Pandamonium #2: Pandagate Vs Red Feminist Conspiracy

Panda's sit back and admire.
This gate is designed to achieve the highest states of consciousness
No keepers were harmed in the making of this gate
Image: Wikipedia

Nothing you may have read on the #PandaGate furore is anything other than hyperbole from the ill informed. No one on this earth is as knowledgeable as I am when it comes to understanding the true nature of the most Zen creature in the known universe - Panda's.

Giant Panda Wildebeest in Meat Photo Shoot

Panda eating Wildebeest
Did the Wildebeest jump or was it pushed? 

Sunshine and Sweetie appear to have settled down well, but the diet of bamboo, whilst great for roughage does not cure the itch from their ancestral bear blood. They want to fish, but just can't be bothered and supermarkets are totally not Zen (and the packets for bamboo shoots are far too small anyway). Chewing bamboo in such immense quantities is worth the effort only if Complete Zen is achieved.* That was until they landed in Scotland and the psychic ether awoke ancient memories and no bear is a bear without salmon. There is no other reason Sweetie and Sunshine would visit Scotland,which would stretch even the wildest realms of the ancient custom of Panda diplomacy.

Beware the Web

The World Wide Web
Trying to Prevent the Inevitable Communication Breakdown

Proof, if it was ever needed, at the darkness that lies at the heart of the internet. We must be wary at all times using our computers, you never know what lies underneath, or who or what is controlling the information. If, as this picture shows it is spiders then we are all doomed. It can only be a trap.

Cosmic Latte: Did the Sun Let One Off?

The Met Office said that Northerners are no better at coping with the cold than southern larger drinkers. As this is the same people who predicted a BBQ Christmas* I remain to be convinced. However, in a way they were right about the BBQ element, if you considered the sun let a couple off this festive period.

Sun's Christmas Message: Ill Winds

"what the Christmas star looks like in the 21st century"
Some had hoped it would be Santa
Image: Roman Breisch

The portents were good as a star shone brightly in the sky. The Great "Birthday Comet" of 2011, against all odds, survived and the Sungod after consuming vast amounts of Brussel Sprouts let off to show appreciation. But still my plan failed. The Old Northern Terrorist the Satan Clause is still alive and no Panda has emerged. I tried last night to catch him and waited hours for him to come down the chimney. He never came. This could be because I drank everything in sight leaving nothing for him or he came after I passed out. Unlike, everyone else who drunk to forget the pain of the dark at Christmas, I was seeking Dutch courage and absolution.

Shocking Revelations: The Ferengi Scrolls

Does this alien control fiscal policy?
Is he responsible for the Kraken's rage?
Does he rub lobes with the Kraken?

The more I have found out about the misunderstood Kraken, the more I feel compassion for him/her/it. Apart from spending millennia swimming through his own excrement, being fed promissory notes instead of gold, being surrounded by rowdy locals that have a habit of rioting and pillaging from each other since consciousness was subjected to the first rule of acquisition*: 

Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.

Old Age Terrorists #8 Up Yours ******

I haven't mentioned old people lately as I have been focused on the threat from the Kraken, however I have not forgotten the threat from elderly yobs. It is after all the time of year when propaganda is at it's height and we are subjected to the pure mind melting onslaught of asking for alms for grumpy, old undeserving bastards. 

Seriously you would be better off giving your money straight to a hoodie so they can score some Haribo. At least with the young there is time for them to change their ways. Unlike this vile fingered 89 year old yob who 'meant' this foul gesture:

Kraken on Crack: Golden Showers Update

I've cracked it! The reason the Kraken has not delivered the golden shower on the people and is swimming around the Mediterranean searching for an ever larger tithe, almost like a crack addict seeking a bigger fix, is simple. Let me explain...

Is this what we have reduced the Great Kraken to? 

Release Santa: The Miracle of Rebirth

What Santa will look like if we do not release the Panda

Evil knows no bounds. How else do you explain this article:

Christmas Pandamonium

Copycat Bastards
I Blame Hislop for nicking my ideas
I mean he hasn't denied it!

Dave the Lizard Defending the Tithe

Panda shows reaction to latest economic news
Image

'Cameron is not defending Britain. He is defending his banking paymasters' Craig Murray

Whilst the media have been portraying the recent war with Europe as a staunch defence of Bastardness, it is no surprise that this was stretching the truth where no truth existed. Lizard Dave did this trip knowing his absence from the Bastard Isles would bring down God's wrath upon Scotland as evidenced by the Almighty storm that hit 165mph up a mountain somewhere in the far inhospitable North. There is a reason the Roman's built a friggin' wall - do we never learn the lessons from our past? The lax policies of invading liberal 'larger drinking' southerner Gauls through the years sadly failed to build upon this foundation and keep on building to protect us from the olde Northern Threat.

Sunday Exclusive: French Stick in Britannia

The French trying it on with our Fat Slags

My highly trained but spiritually unmotivated monkeys have found this shocking story which is completely true, however I have redacted names to protect the fallen. However some of it remains graphic in nature and tissues should be kept handy for readers of a Daily Mail persuasion:

Sun[god] Latest: #Manumission for CASH

Whilst distracting everyone with the Phoney War with France, the Bastards have been working hard behind the scenes to develop Europe's own Star Wars Programme. GingerZilla exclusively revealed how a missile clearly hit the Sun[god]. Now the Coalition Against Scylla Haters (CASH) have launched another attempt to control the source of our power. This time however the Sungod was ready and deflected the so called 'Comet Lovejoy*' but showed mercy by letting it live.

Badger Caught in Honey Trap

troops blamed for 'badger' plague

Honninggraevling
Sounds lydmalende [onomatopoeic]

This is an outrage! Even if this Daily Telegraph story is over four years why should I be excluded from showing rage now that I've just found out? The media are full of such story rehashing and as a proud but unemployed tabloid journo wannabe, I claim the right to follow in their footsteps by staying at home or going down the pub. How else am I expected to find sources? Right now I am stuck indoors. It is not safe to go out due to the incoming threat from the North and the cold winds are blowing hard over these Bastard Isles.

#OccupyTuesday: @LudditeDave < Message in Mudbrick

Probably made from Worm Poo

I mistakenly called Dave the Lizard, Profit. He is a Luddite, believing that when you remove the miasma the problem goes away. Sometimes this works as there are millions of beliebers their enfeebled minds incapable of defending themselves against bullshit. What worries me is that he is increasing his power over his mindless twits. he sucks out their very souls when they follow him. he is the one that must be destroyed. he doesn't even care for the 1% of belibers, as they have no souls.* In any war, Zombies and Grunts are always an expendable commodity. We really do not have long to prepare and the Luddite Dave is wasting time appeasing the Kraken, not fulfilling him. It may be too late for Dave. He will be denied the golden shower and was right to suspect European forces were conspiring against him, but for the wrong reasons. 

Bob Sauce: WeatherGeddingit

The Bastard Isles to be shown who is King

General Confusion to reign

Mostly at the Met Office

Scotland Braves Sun[god]'s Wrath

Conclusive Proof It's Grim Up North

I warned a long time ago about the threat from the North. Those naughty Scots have been very naughty by wanting independence in defiance of the Unionists and Tory Party. That is why staunch government sources are saying the 165mph winds recorded on Thursday are punishment from God.

There are no Problems only Solutions

Do poor people really need limbs?
If we remove their hands they cannot beg
Image:
Mihail Chemiakin: The Children – Victims Of Adult Vices

Agent Arsenal Bob has revealed secret government plans so that taxpayers no longer have to fund their fellow man. A speech will explain how the Spirit of Enterprise and tax payers must be allowed to breathe again after being nearly suffocated by the needs of poor people. It's only fair. Other policies include:

Panda+Coffee=Addictive Love

Almost a shame to drink it.
 Is this how Santa ended up with a Panda inside of him?

I said when I take over the world I was legalising all drugs just so I could get my employer to get decent coffee made by a proper Barista not a bastard machine or a monkey being paid peanuts. I have finally found the one I want to hire. This feels like it is my destiny!

The Year of the Panda

The K Index can't be arsed and is doing a Panda

The Sun is continuing to defy the best efforts of David Cameron and Nicholas Sarkozy who sent a missile into the face of the sun because it wasn't doing what they wanted. The Sun has now flatlined in protest. 

Imagine this Hairy Ass Doing a TeaBag in your face
Image: Wikipedia

All I Want for Christmas is War

It appears Mexico has backed down in their ongoing war with the United States and refused to take political prisoner Saadi Gaddafi. This could be a breach of international obligations but since no one cares about them any more we will move on. 

The liberal idiot Jon Stewart has declared war on Christmas (see video below if it works why not try giggle). This is typical of liberal idiots always getting it wrong. It's Santa that needs to be taken out so we can free the Panda inside him. Reclaim the Festive season and get back to worshipping the Sungod and his Panda. As Hannibal said in antiquity, 'Of course I have a plan. But it's a secret.'

The Panda Inside Santa Must be Freed!
Is this picture from Wikipedia Panda Porn?

#OccupyTuesday Pandamonium

The dangers of saying No to a Panda are not as well known as they should be. Not only is there video evidence of this but my sources confirm:

Though the panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation

This is a perfectly natural response most people have to other people on occasion, like listening to the evil one and his beliebers or when watching the X-Factor which were combined to such effect this week that the UK had a mass protest against him last week.

Clarkson the Defence+Latest on Cameron's Austerity Christmas

Not Guilty (of some things)
Image Wiki

I have said it before and I will say it again, Jeremy Clarkson is Innocent* even the Mexicans would agree, although that may be because they are more worried about the War with America. He was obviously trying to save himself some money in these Austere Times and avoid paying for advertising since the BBC provide this service for free. However, as laudable as this money saving effort is, it diverts valuable funds away from paying our debts. 31,000 people need to have a look at the state of the world around them, or even better the country (think global act local) and focus their energies into making sure the Kraken is paid his Tithe! As Clarkson said himself over a previous murder controversy

There are more important things to worry about than what some balding and irrelevant middle-aged man might have said on a crappy [BBC] show.

Cameron's Austerity Christmas

Dave with his hounds after a successful mission to the pole
Image ©MrMurray

With Briton's increasingly turning to suicide to evade paying their debts, British Prime Minister David Cameron has called for a radical rethink of Christmas in the Age of Austerity. According to sources, Dave has been increasingly concerned that some may take the easy way out and kill themselves. Increasing suspicion has been thrown upon the evil old Terrorist in the North pole and because as a child he didn't get what he asked for despite several faxes to Santa. This resentment has festered and Dave has asked his servants to 'sex-up' a document so that he can take out the Old Man of the North. This is not the first time that Dave has attacked Santa. Five months ago, John Wiltshire of Newsbiscuit revealed that Dave

Only the Shadow Knows

The Shadow is the enemy of the Mongolian Warrior. America will be cast into darkness. Behold:

Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson is Innocent* +Updates

Jeremy Clarkson commented on the supporters of General Strike and said:

"I would have them all shot...I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families. I mean how dare they go on strike when they have these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed, while the rest of us have to work for a living."