#FutureHistory Plague in North, Poor Cast Out of London

Without begging Dave will have to bin raid for dinner.

Poor Cast from Slums

The more things change

#FutureHistory Perfumed Arseholes

It has always been thus.

The so-called Dark Ages saw a time when filth and stench were part of daily life in Europe, whether in town or country. Lack of effective sanitation or plumbing, coupled with rising urban populations, inadequate nutrition resulting from insufficient food supplies, and low morale brought about by a corrupt feudal system, eventually led to

#FutureHistory Greedy French Bastards*

french pig may have insulted our royalty

It was socially unacceptable [for the plague of locusts] to mix with the English. In terms of ethnic superiority and social separation, it was a medieval forerunner of apartheid. source

Dave's Benefits Shocker: Jobs for Cabbage Patch Dolls

The Tory Party Work Waggon came to take the local benefit scroungers home after their day in the fields.

With the economy in a slump, poor people never cease in their ability to entertain the privileged - as long as they are in cages, behind walls or being viewed from afar. My source Bob has exclusively revealed to me that Dave 'the Lizard' Cameron - who may or may not end up scrounging in bins for party funds if his cosy dinners are stopped - has decided to launch an offensive against anyone on disability benefit. This is part of his wider war on benefits which has Daily Mail readers ordering record quantities of tissues. With the War on France* still at the phoney stage it has been decided that we should at least be fighting something. Now whilst fighting poverty is seen in some nefarious quarters as a laudable leftie [translation: communist rat] thing to do when you are not chucking bombs at brown people, for those of a more right wing persuasion there is nothing better than smashing the poor in the face marching poor people to the Gulags where they can begin to earn their keep and eat cabbages. If it gets really cold then there's nothing wrong with burning poor people as a sustainable heating source.

The Kraken Built Stonehenge

Scientists and archaeologists have postulated for what seems like an eternity about the true nature of Stonehenge and how these great monolithic rocks appeared on our sacred isles. Now after consulting Bob and my online legion of monkeys, I can exclusively reveal the truth to the world

Historical Pastimes: Binge Drinking for the Masses

Beer Street: Note the Frenchman being lifted one handed -

Proof, Sir that beer is good for you. 

None of your sissy wine

"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel" Horace Walpole

Any politician that tries to appease the Daily Mail* and to genuflect before the mirage of faux middle class outrage, is not a politician but a piece of shit wrapped in cling film to make themselves respectable. Dave the Lizard pretty much said as much back in 2005 

Politicians attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator by posturing with tough policies and calling for crackdown after crackdown.

Thou Shalt Not Be a GAY Penguin

Is it homophobic to split up gay penguins*?

Guest Sermon by Cosmetic Brain Surgery

If you look through the ten commandments, the core of faith for much of the planet, then as far as I can tell, at no point does it say 'Thou Shalt Not Be Gay.'

#FutureHistory: Reclaim Friday13th

“Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility, which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason and the mind becomes a wreck.” –Thomas Jefferson, letter to James Smith, 1822

I propose to offer old people as a sacrifice to appease the volcano gods

At this time of the waning, let us hope that the light stays with us in the darkness. Let us 

War on Mexico: Steven Seagal vs Pancho Villa

BORDER WARS

Under Siege - the Prequel
The Zen 'Laughing' Seagul ready to prevent unauthorised entry

For all intents and purposes a border dispute is a war, especially if it involves your neighbours. So the question is not if the war with Mexico ever stopped, because it didn't, but when did they change the name? Boundaries are very important to prevent unauthorised entry. Unfortunately we will always live in a world of thieving bastards - as I proclaimed last October

Many Southern States have already reported an increase in locals turning up...so they can fight the ongoing Mexican insurgency. My sources have said that the Mexican Drug Cartels are using a form of Capitalism not officially sanctioned by the government and so must be stopped

#FutureHistory: Queen to blame for Drought?

There have been reports that due to the unusual, but not unprecedented warm weather, Global Warning Sharks have been seen off the coast of the Bastard Isles. Instead of appreciating the fine break from the oppression of clouds, a secret hidden cult wants us to feel guilty and donate to them in the hope they can find a theoretical cure for the Earth Mothers cycle. This cannot be a good thing and is indeed very worrying. A Manchester correspondent tells us

Dave's Dinner Shocker - Is No. 10 a Brothel?

Dave scrounging for some dinner.
Why we must allow Tory Party Escort Services  to continue their fundraising.

Prostitutes and politicians have a long history of accepting cash for access, so is it any wonder that one of the greatest old age terrorists of all time, Ronald Reagan said; 

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 

#FutureHistory: Media Vampires

An Artists Impression.
I like to think it's a premonition foretelling Dave riding a dead horse.
It is no coincidence. Statistically nothing ever is.

New allegations have emerged of the existence of secret internal emails(**) that show Rupert 'the Antipodean Beast' Murdoch believes Trevor Kavanagh from the sun[red rag] is a vampire. Kav cannot be put down by conventional methods as supernatural blood flows through the pages he weaves, or it could just be that there is such an overwhelming miasma spewing from the pages that it's impossible to tell who's guilty and who just happens to work in admin because everyone is covered in shit. I find this far more palatable than a bizarre love triangle involving ex-soviet states, witch hunts and terrorists.

Speaking of love triangles, ex communicated ginger, Rebekah Brooks has remained silent on alleged sexual relations with horses, but then again no one has asked her. This did not stop former Times editor Andrew Neil saying that Dave 'did not have sexual relations with that horse'. Others have seen this possible connection and the media are always the ones to tell us, by a nudge a wink and a inference here or there, there is no smoke without fire - unless of course you are gassing old people. In such circumstances, where rogues are popping out of the woodwork it is no wonder that they are liable to be

"arrested on suspicion of intimidation of a witness (contrary to Section 51 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994) and encouraging or assisting an offence (contrary to Section 46 of the Serious Crime Act 2007)."

Now if I was to follow tablord* logic I would defile any presumption of innocence and quote unnamed colleagues sources I just made up saying he intimidated them with his penis. Intimidating witnesses is of course a Mafia tactic, as is paying off the police. However, as Kav is not from the pauper class he must be handled delicately and mercifully by his former masters in the TabLords who defer to their 'worthy' - and therefore far more depraved - elder brothers and sisters to perform this ritual 'banishment' from the family business at least until they can sneak them in the backdoor. These more eloquent gobshites on the Broad Shites* take a few thousand words to achieve a slightly more cerebral illusion of fear and malice towards their fellow man that the red head younger siblings manage in a single headline. This fear spreads. The only way to defeat fear is to see the world through the eyes of love and laughter, not omerta

*TabLord [tablets of the Lords], Broad Shites [Broadsheets], the Medium of Imagination [Psychic Television Channels]

(**) My sources, which I obviously cannot disclose, claim to have seen these emails and stored a copy on a hard drive that then suffered from the dreaded click of doom (COD) after an invigorating interaction with the Matrix and the floor.

IMAGE DISCLAIMER: I am indebted to the work of those throughout FutureHistory who produce the images I highlight. Everything that we are, we owe to someone else who did the donkey work for us. This is in contrast to the current thesis that everything is new, amazing and better than before and that our ancestors were a bunch of donkey fucking inbreds.

VolcanoPorn #2 Dragon Enters Fujisan

On the day after the eighth Double Monday of the Mighty 12,
the fightback against the forces of the Death Star commenced. 

Meanwhile back in 1897, A painted 'dragon [rose] out of smoke near Mt. Fuji, ascending towards the sky' evoking ancestral memories of those who had ploughed beneath her.

of Bob and Bastards - A Brief History of Bastardshire

This is the short story, from the last solar cycle that turned into "Of Badgers and Bastards - the FutureHistory of the World" by Craig Mitchell and Deane Edwards. Many of the characters that populate my online world are not new as you can see. This website contains the factional background accounts of these characters - ish. I will re-introduce the behemoth FreD to the world soon.

Little is known of the incredibly small English county of Bastardshire and its villages. Bastardshire existed for five years, nine months, two weeks and four cockerel crows during the time of Richard the Lion heart(1). Less is known of sole founder Lord Bob the Bastard, who was lynched after outlawing Wednesdays* in favour of Bastarday which he dedicated to himself. The inaugural Wednesday of Bastarday happened to be the Feast of Badger when the locals had traditionally got themselves royally pissed as Badgers(2). As Bastarday was to be a day of rest and total dedication to Bob the Bastard, this meant the local public shack, The Cock in Mud, was closed as Drunk John, the landlord, was ordered not to open or face a year in the Bastard's dungeons. The locals were not too worried at this stage and raced off to Little Mo’s off license only to see Mo being dragged off to the dungeons by the Lords loyal Bastard Guards for opening on the Day of Ded[ication]. Mo was reported to have screamed that Fred the local woodland Druid was “going to be very pissed about this” and would exact revenge on the Bastard.

Dave the Lizard Defending the Tithe

Panda shows reaction to latest economic news
Image

'Cameron is not defending Britain. He is defending his banking paymasters' Craig Murray

Whilst the media have been portraying the recent war with Europe as a staunch defence of Bastardness, it is no surprise that this was stretching the truth where no truth existed. Lizard Dave did this trip knowing his absence from the Bastard Isles would bring down God's wrath upon Scotland as evidenced by the Almighty storm that hit 165mph up a mountain somewhere in the far inhospitable North. There is a reason the Roman's built a friggin' wall - do we never learn the lessons from our past? The lax policies of invading liberal 'larger drinking' southerner Gauls through the years sadly failed to build upon this foundation and keep on building to protect us from the olde Northern Threat.