Historical Pastimes: Binge Drinking for the Masses

Beer Street: Note the Frenchman being lifted one handed -

Proof, Sir that beer is good for you. 

None of your sissy wine

"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel" Horace Walpole

Any politician that tries to appease the Daily Mail* and to genuflect before the mirage of faux middle class outrage, is not a politician but a piece of shit wrapped in cling film to make themselves respectable. Dave the Lizard pretty much said as much back in 2005 

Politicians attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator by posturing with tough policies and calling for crackdown after crackdown.

Hiding the Shitstorm..*

As a devout Hixian, I often feel language is underrated. The language spoken in these Bastard Isles evolved into a multi headed beast, fed on the blood of our ancestors and various [illegal] alien space invaders who don't speak the same lingo. One of those cunning lingual influences has a distinct Germanic flavour.

leaked movie poster
World Famous Hybrid Jumping  Global Warning Sharks

of Bob and Bastards - A Brief History of Bastardshire

This is the short story, from the last solar cycle that turned into "Of Badgers and Bastards - the FutureHistory of the World" by Craig Mitchell and Deane Edwards. Many of the characters that populate my online world are not new as you can see. This website contains the factional background accounts of these characters - ish. I will re-introduce the behemoth FreD to the world soon.

Little is known of the incredibly small English county of Bastardshire and its villages. Bastardshire existed for five years, nine months, two weeks and four cockerel crows during the time of Richard the Lion heart(1). Less is known of sole founder Lord Bob the Bastard, who was lynched after outlawing Wednesdays* in favour of Bastarday which he dedicated to himself. The inaugural Wednesday of Bastarday happened to be the Feast of Badger when the locals had traditionally got themselves royally pissed as Badgers(2). As Bastarday was to be a day of rest and total dedication to Bob the Bastard, this meant the local public shack, The Cock in Mud, was closed as Drunk John, the landlord, was ordered not to open or face a year in the Bastard's dungeons. The locals were not too worried at this stage and raced off to Little Mo’s off license only to see Mo being dragged off to the dungeons by the Lords loyal Bastard Guards for opening on the Day of Ded[ication]. Mo was reported to have screamed that Fred the local woodland Druid was “going to be very pissed about this” and would exact revenge on the Bastard.

Starbucks latte - made with the Devils Spunk!*

How I Nearly Sold my Soul to Corporate Coffee (The Bastards)

I often wonder 'what if' and I blame the evil that is work for making me appreciate the values of blue sky thinking which leads to equal measure of my Genius and Insanity. Sometimes that means such a fanatical attention to detail it is easy to have many goldfish like moments. To avoid this state requires fuel. I believe this should be paid for by employers and that instant should be banned in the workplace**. I want my revolution fuelled on damn good coffee and not from some monkey swinging inside the coffee bar who is a bastard not a barista.

Some things are just too important to compromise. Lava and Java are as important to each other as they are to communication in our virtual world. Without coffee we fundamentally change as people as this YouTube evidence shows:

Binge Drinking - The New UK Citizenship Test

Alcohol Consumption by Country.
The best way to screen against terrorism and Asylum Seekers from many brown countries.
Image: Wikipedia

Alcohol is an elixir and is essential for a functioning society. As I have argued before:

Communism only collapsed when Mikhail Gorbachev could no longer provide the potatoes to make more Vodka. Why else do you think Boris Yeltsin was the loudest voice leading the calls for Gorby to step down?

Science is also coming round to my way of thinking too:

Winters Icy Drunken Claw - A Very Northern Threat

The nights are drawing down and winter's icy claw slowly stretches over the northern hemisphere. You can tell winter is coming from Scandinavia because animal binge drinking is on the increase as the Swann and the BBC report.

Tweet by Graham Swann Thursday, 8th September 2011

Hunting Hoodies

One month on and I am still quite fragile and prone to fear in the aftermath of the #riots* [a.k.a. #londonriots #ukriots #englishriots]. I was suspicious about geese movement and birds tweeting beforehand and as we now know tweeting may have been responsible for the riots – despite what Ken Clarke and various think tanks may have said since.

I couldn't give a XXXX for Fosters

Made in the UK for Fucking Idiots with no tastebuds

I was saddened recently when I heard the Violent Femmes classic 'Blister in the Sun' on a Fosters advertisement. I had to do a double take and the Violent Femmes, an Alternative rock, underground band (that sold more than most underground bands) who were massively influential (their songs have appeared in tv shows, movies, video games and have been covered widely) greatly went down in my estimation as complete sell outs.

The Violent Femmes are not a struggling or emerging band and so having one of their songs used in a commercial reminded me of a Bill Hicks quote:

"Here's the deal, folks, you do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call forever, end of story ... If you do a commercial, there's a price on your head, everything you say is suspect...You know, if you're young and struggling, OK, I'll look the other way. Still, you do a commercial and you're off the artistic roll call forever and that goes for everyone ... except Willie Nelson. With a $30 million dollar tax debt, Willie's pockets were a little deeper than the rest of ours."

I have included a video of the advert below for anyone reading this not in the UK who may not have the foggiest what I'm on about. For the rest of you - don't watch this shite (it's rammed down your throat anyway).

Blesssshh you my schun - Binge Drinking with the Big J

To combat ever dwindling church goers and the increasing march of naughty brown people prostrating themselves before Allah, the Church of England has finally grown some Cojones and:

'is planning to open wine bars and introduce "loyalty cards" in a package of measures designed to make it more businesslike....

The Very Rev Christopher Lewis, the chairman of the Association of English Cathedrals, welcomed the proposals. "We have to be willing to embrace change to keep places going," he said. "As long as it's done carefully, wine bars are a good idea as they bring people in and are a good meeting place."

Not that this hasn't happened before, it's usually under the guise of a social club where the priests could get utterly plastered with parishioners as they congregated at the bar. But that was just for the devoted red nosed few, these new proposals are bringing alcoholism to the masses.

Why are the media not in uproar over this blatant encouragement of binge drinking, even if it in the name of Jesus? Could it possibly offend middle-class sensibilities that God fearing (not loving) church goers could be piss heads as opposed to the lower class louts vomiting outsides Weatherspoons?