starbucks in Home Invasion

Thier image crashed my window. Such insolence from these tax dodging destroyers of coffee beans cannot be tolerated. Carthage was destroyed for less.

War on Mexico: Steven Seagal vs Pancho Villa

BORDER WARS

Under Siege - the Prequel
The Zen 'Laughing' Seagul ready to prevent unauthorised entry

For all intents and purposes a border dispute is a war, especially if it involves your neighbours. So the question is not if the war with Mexico ever stopped, because it didn't, but when did they change the name? Boundaries are very important to prevent unauthorised entry. Unfortunately we will always live in a world of thieving bastards - as I proclaimed last October

Many Southern States have already reported an increase in locals turning up...so they can fight the ongoing Mexican insurgency. My sources have said that the Mexican Drug Cartels are using a form of Capitalism not officially sanctioned by the government and so must be stopped

ADVERT BREAK: PETA Meat Slap Panda Controversy

Feminists at the New Statesman are again viciously attacking Panda's [the most Zen creature in the known universe]:

unlike say, the Ryanair advert banned this week for objectifying its staff, this PETA advert doesn't in the slightest make me want to go vegan. In fact, quite the opposite. So not only will I happily call them out, but I'm going to smother myself in foie gras and panda steaks.

I don't do typos. I do smut it's a populism and boobs thing.

ADVERT BREAK: Tory vs. Salmon (ft Nazi Panda Bear)

Some have speculated this Panda is in a medically induced coma, some have even said they are performing a nuanced interpretation of the last days of our economy as it turns into a zombie leaving the viewer wondering how long the apocalypse can feature in sequels. Yet when viewed through the softened lens of the Theory of Bob, one can see the Panda exploring the light within and without. In a single gesture this Panda has conveyed all there is to be said for the economic and weather forecasts for 2012 yet leaves us with hope. In a powerhouse performance that must surely be entered for this year's Turner Prize, we are shown the solar kick, not once but twice 1-2 confirming it's mystic origins. 

Old Age Terrorists #8 Up Yours ******

I haven't mentioned old people lately as I have been focused on the threat from the Kraken, however I have not forgotten the threat from elderly yobs. It is after all the time of year when propaganda is at it's height and we are subjected to the pure mind melting onslaught of asking for alms for grumpy, old undeserving bastards. 

Seriously you would be better off giving your money straight to a hoodie so they can score some Haribo. At least with the young there is time for them to change their ways. Unlike this vile fingered 89 year old yob who 'meant' this foul gesture:

#OccupyTuesday Pandamonium

The dangers of saying No to a Panda are not as well known as they should be. Not only is there video evidence of this but my sources confirm:

Though the panda is often assumed to be docile, it has been known to attack humans, presumably out of irritation

This is a perfectly natural response most people have to other people on occasion, like listening to the evil one and his beliebers or when watching the X-Factor which were combined to such effect this week that the UK had a mass protest against him last week.

ADVERT BREAK: Makes You Stupid and Horny

Brought to you by The Northern Threat
in association with Binge Drinking
and sponsored by Panda+Love

ADVERT BREAK: Even More Panda Love

Panda's are Zen. You do not mess with them.

And you do not question my predictive and proven power of understanding the cosmic riddle of 42 and 12:12. Do not doubt Agent Bob. I have sources everywhere and I prepare to make this truly the season of goodwill:

Advert Break: FootballZilla

Although if I am honest it does involve a staggeringly implausible series of connections that are statistically possible. 42 is involved.

ADVERTISEMENT

Let him go.

I couldn't give a XXXX for Fosters

Made in the UK for Fucking Idiots with no tastebuds

I was saddened recently when I heard the Violent Femmes classic 'Blister in the Sun' on a Fosters advertisement. I had to do a double take and the Violent Femmes, an Alternative rock, underground band (that sold more than most underground bands) who were massively influential (their songs have appeared in tv shows, movies, video games and have been covered widely) greatly went down in my estimation as complete sell outs.

The Violent Femmes are not a struggling or emerging band and so having one of their songs used in a commercial reminded me of a Bill Hicks quote:

"Here's the deal, folks, you do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call forever, end of story ... If you do a commercial, there's a price on your head, everything you say is suspect...You know, if you're young and struggling, OK, I'll look the other way. Still, you do a commercial and you're off the artistic roll call forever and that goes for everyone ... except Willie Nelson. With a $30 million dollar tax debt, Willie's pockets were a little deeper than the rest of ours."

I have included a video of the advert below for anyone reading this not in the UK who may not have the foggiest what I'm on about. For the rest of you - don't watch this shite (it's rammed down your throat anyway).