Wednesday, 18 January 2012

ADVERT BREAK: Tory vs. Salmon (ft Nazi Panda Bear)

Some have speculated this Panda is in a medically induced coma, some have even said they are performing a nuanced interpretation of the last days of our economy as it turns into a zombie leaving the viewer wondering how long the apocalypse can feature in sequels. Yet when viewed through the softened lens of the Theory of Bob, one can see the Panda exploring the light within and without. In a single gesture this Panda has conveyed all there is to be said for the economic and weather forecasts for 2012 yet leaves us with hope. In a powerhouse performance that must surely be entered for this year's Turner Prize, we are shown the solar kick, not once but twice 1-2 confirming it's mystic origins. 
Now it may seem a contradiction to say Panda's don't do politics. Many have tried to harness their powers for their own nefarious means through the centuries but have been doomed to failure. Using Panda's for personal profit or gain will always fail. That is not how their power works* and so the Scottish Salmon will not succeed, especially when the winds blow so unfavourably .

Salmon's Part in UK's Downfall
Chinese Panda deal called into question?

Barely days have passed since I began revealing the FutureHistory of these Bastard Isles in more detail. Our hopes for survival lie in Scottish Salmon dropping demands for independence. Panda's want Salmon too to provide enough energy and omegas to enter a state of deep trance. We will need their guidance if we are to survive war with France

So now we know another war is coming, we can understand why the private sector are having a whip round for 'our' majesty. The gLove Boat is not for personal use, it is for the army and will be called the Ark.  Only the chosen may grace her bows and in preparation of this lots of unworthy troops are to be sacrificed, their corpses thrown out into civvy street
"In spite, and perhaps because of the austere times, the celebration should go beyond those of previous jubilees and mark the greater achievement that the diamond anniversary represents." [Michael Gove]
This is the private sector giving back. It was always thus where our benefactors bequeathed gifts upon Royalty hoping to bathe in the reflected glory of their divine right whilst pissing on the rights of others from the window of a 4x4 horse-drawn carriage. Presumably the locals can have street parties and eat cake. Masterchef can even do a special
Let the Eat Cake
Sylvia Savala
Yet, despite the valid reasons for the giving of such gifts, I believe Gove has badly misjudged the public mood forgetting the locals are getting restless as winter begins to finally bite. When the winter fuel bill hikes arrive in spring we can only hope the Kraken can save us by sprinkling the promised warm Golden Showers upon us. 

It is at this time of heightened mistrust, that the sudden resignation of a Tzar must be being taken at face value, we cannot afford to speculate further. This obvious satire offended an interested party in the ongoing politically correct war on language, which is something quite apart from the struggle to free it from Scottish mangling through the centuries. As someone was offended it must be banned and a sacrifice has been demanded by the People, even if they are only those on Twitter who complain about silly parody videos and would most likely not bat an eyelid to the real racism and prejudice when we blow up brown people.
Stirlingshire, in the scary North.
Roman's couldn't be bothered going this far North.
However, you'd be wrong. Several members inside government were in tears as they watched events unfold maniacally refreshing to see the hits on YouTube explode. Whilst Twitter was incandescent at the Scottish possibly being besmirched, my sources have confirmed these were  invasion plans for Operation Annihilate Tartan Scotland (OATS) and flaunted this under the public's noses (see video below and explicit mention of tanks). This was stark warning for Salmon reminding him of his sacred vows to the union and the dire consequences of breaking them. Although they did concede Salmon may have a point about the unworthiness of some unions. The powers that be have not ruled out praying for further storms
"First we’ve got Posh Boy driving his tanks onto my lawn and then I have to tell the whole country the top secret date for my secret referendum.”
Knowing this, no one can accuse our multifaceted leaders of taking the threat to the economy lightly by calling for the reintroduction of fox hunting - something I exclusively revealed in October. Whilst some thought this inappropriate when we should be trying to save the City and this years round of bonuses, sources have told me the shocking truth that this is a pretext to arm the masses for the difficulties that lie ahead:

Scottish Salmon - Proof I am Read by the BBC 
Allegiances in war, like the weather, change very quickly, normally based on who's winning and who's going to foot the bill. Just ask the French. The viscous Bonapartist Sarkozy is only separated from us by the sacred waters of the channel which his presence is polluting. He threatens the City but do not fear. Sources have revealed a ritual was performed in the City's beating heart, where centuries of blood spill out of the hidden rivers of London. The Kraken has been released from the Mediterranean to defend the city, we hope the waters don't freeze first as the Met office forecast two BBQ weekends in a row. But at least we'll know the locals will be up for a fight. Binge drinking and fighting are the national pastimes of the Bastards and after millenia of practice we have become exceedingly good at it. 


Like Bavarians, Bob does not trust bears which is why he has avoided Canada and most of Europe in his life. He informed me that Canada will be punished for blasphemy. He further revealed these adverts are animal propaganda designed to twist peoples minds and make them believe the animals are out to get us, when anyone who sees clearly knows it's the bloody insects. Winter is very close now and soon it will be safe. I do worry however about the Canadians sending out the wrong messages over this man made changes scenario, as the bears will fight back a lot harder than this next time

as will the Panda's against this racist smearing saying they all look alike. You will know when it is time, for I will reveal this to you. Look for the signs in the heavens and those from down below. I write these messages in the smallest font so old people cannot read them. We can never be safe from them until their numbers can be culled. First they came for the Badgers, then they came for Grandma. One source said "we tried to stop the Badger cull but gave in so we got the all clear to take out Santa. It's politics." There was a big debate about this and some of the speakers were in favour of culling poor old people by letting them die in the cold, others wanted to burn their bodies to heat the atmosphere and increase the size of the carbon filter. As the winter has been delayed sacrifices will be needed to please the Sun[god]. Old people were the best fit and we know our gods are hungry.
*The GingerZilla has been sent by the Sun[god] to speak for all Panda's, to protect them from beliebf and to interpret, for a small administration fee of six percent, their sacred performances for his brothers and sisters. In association with GONADS he has come to reveal the FutureHistory of the world and will this year save Santa by releasing the Panda inside him. The Great Teabag must be performed to save the planet.

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