Friday, 7 October 2011

Cameron Forgives Greece and Rioters but will the Kraken

An Artists Impression of the Tithe Collection in Greece
[Image: Wikipedia]
GingerZilla News: If you believe, it will come

Politicians in Europe go into a cyclical frenzy of saying they need more money to pay the banks and credit agencies, but my sources have revealed the shocking truth.

The banks and credit agencies have a chosen few who take the offerings to the coast and then hide. After the great crashing of waves has subsided they come out and find the tithe has been taken.  Although no one has seen it and there's not even a hoax video on YouTube, we can reveal that it is the Kraken that appears in Greece every few months to collect a tithe before disappearing back into the warm Mediterranean Seas. It was hoped that the continued offerings would limit the appearances to Greece, however there have been rumours of sightings off the coasts of Ireland, Spain, Portugal and now Italy, which deeply upset those hoping their version of Judge Judy would distract the locals. Some reports even suggested an appearance off the Coast of Libya earlier this year, however sources claim the locals' Nescafe had been spiked with hallucinogens and made them go a bit tutti fruity.
Debtors take matters into their own hands to pay back early.
Sources could not confirm if Cameron had asked them to fight 
The European strategy of appeasement hasn't worked so far, mainly because the ungrateful Greeks keep protesting and are unwilling to continue paying the tithe on behalf of Europe, despite the honour the Believers have bestowed upon them. This is not fair. We all have to pay the tithe, the population cannot be told the truth. This seriously threatens the economic strategy of not offending the Kraken and keeping him in Greece. European heads are also said to be exasperated with the people of Europe for their deliberate antagonism of the Kraken. The disharmony has even spread to America where an occupation is apparently taking place to support Roseanne Barrs' run for the Presidency. The People just don't seem to understand the importance of the tithe and giving it with a good heart even if your family are dying of starvation. We are supposed to be in this together. Only the Gods know how the Krakens' displeasure will be felt across the Global Economy if he hears of this blaspheme, he's been jittery for months as it is. However, the Gods have sent Britain a saviour, someone who walks among us and understands his people. This is why barely two months on from the riots, Iron Man Cam has encouraged the nation to fight! The fighting will keep the public happy and too preoccupied to notice the Kraken appearing off the coast, especially now that the X-factor and Strictly are back. This is Cameron's Plan A minus.

The British PM initially wanted everyone to pay back all their debts to appease the Kraken in one foul swoop which is a certain way to tank an economy as no one would have any money to buy all those lovely consumer goods we're supposed to replace every other week - 'oh look the new Crackphone STD'. It also goes against the principle of borrowing more to keep up the tithe. However it appears that once anyone with a brain questioned this policy and Cam the Man saw which way the wind was blowing, he quickly retracted his position before the money shot at conference.* This is what 21st Century leaders are made of. 
Worshipper Prays for a Golden Trickle
[Image: Wikipedia]

The Chancellor and Money Activist George 'Parties With a Cocaine Snorting Dominatrix' Osborne has also shown the way by slashing everything he couldn't understand that needed funding - 'we had a perfectly good library at Eaton why would the plebs need one? Do they even read anything besides the Sun?' [I have a sneaky suspicion he is a repressed book burner who had to find a more acceptable way to unleash his hatred of books, but that has nothing to do with his ability to function as a High Priest, but I digress]. With the economy not acting according to the NeoCon Prophesy and the Kraken not releasing the promised golden shower upon the masses after three decades of waiting, George has, like the public, reluctantly had to keep borrowing in the hope that the Kraken's bulging bladder suffers some leakage. This was made clear when the Bank of England flooded the market with monopoly money in the hope no one noticed.

So the public obviously need to borrow more as we have no hope of getting out of the brown squidgy stuff the Kraken will leave in His wake, unless we increase the tithes. We must give to the Greeks and the Irish, who are also threatening Diaspora on Middle England, to give to the Kraken and hope we get a service fee. Whilst not paying the Kraken, since no one has ever seen it, would seem a logical course of action, millionaire George knows best what poor people should do with their dwindling funds - pay the racketeers and loan sharks who are essential to the functioning of a funnel up tithe based economy which is the most efficient way of appeasing the Kraken. As George is in direct communication with the jittery voodoo Market systems that control the Kraken, we should listen to him and if it demands more sacrifice as winter sets in then I for one will oblige. I will do this gladly because Cameron has shown he is the bigger man by forgiving the rioters and by borrowing record amounts of money. He has shown he is willing to forgive the Greeks. I mean he can hardly complain when they ask for more money now can he? 

* I have noticed that Iceland's Katla Volcano has been grumbling quite loudly, possibly to show her displeasure with yet another Cameron U-Turn. Iron Man Cam may also have been linked to a recent dastardly scientific plot to launch a new war on a scale never seen before making Obama look like a pussy. GONADS may be on to something here...stay tuned. 

UPDATE: Mankind doesn't just want to take on Mexico we are waging war on the Sun

1 comment:

GingerZilla said...

The offering made today will not sate the Kraken. Mark my words.