Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Starbucks latte - made with the Devils Spunk!*

How I Nearly Sold my Soul to Corporate Coffee (The Bastards)


I often wonder 'what if' and I blame the evil that is work for making me appreciate the values of blue sky thinking which leads to equal measure of my Genius and Insanity. Sometimes that means such a fanatical attention to detail it is easy to have many goldfish like moments. To avoid this state requires fuel. I believe this should be paid for by employers and that instant should be banned in the workplace**. I want my revolution fuelled on damn good coffee and not from some monkey swinging inside the coffee bar who is a bastard not a barista.

Some things are just too important to compromise. Lava and Java are as important to each other as they are to communication in our virtual world. Without coffee we fundamentally change as people as this YouTube evidence shows:

It was whilst on one of my creative thinking lessons, so beloved of employers and because work was slow, that I, quite by accident of course, came across a way to save the planet. First I had to convince private employers by appealing to their greed and self interest so they would pressure government(s) to interpret the law differently. We pay for them and vote for them so it's the least they can do for me.

Individually this is too much to do on my own. People must be led to the land of Milk and Demera Sugar as long as it doesn't involve Starbucks who make a coffee substitute as far as I'm concerned.
The Secret Ingredient?
Sharing values on the web

But I needed government on board, so I had to speak in their language not mine. I realised I could help fight the dreaded red tape that clogs up. the gears of the war machine, sorry business. We the People (in managerial speak 'monkeys') were truly willing to sacrifice ourselves - what employer could resist? It was also a foolproof way to increase tax so how could any government possibly refuse? They keep telling us its all about free trade, so lets see how committed they really are to a market economy. Since trade is tribal based, I consider myself a bit of an expert.

It was then I  formed my thoughts into policy plan*** for how to get employers to pay for free quality pharmaceuticals and let you take them at work. To make it enjoyable and worthwhile for everyone, since not everyone likes coffee and I see no need to force this upon them. Employers would go drugs far quicker than they would letting us have decent coffee believe me, especially when they consider the benefits I have highlighted. It was in this realisation, knowing I was taking an altruistic approach with my employer and fellow simian workers, that I decided to launch my campaign: Occupational Drugs, Not Occupational Hazards


ADVERT: HARDCORE COFFEE PORN

Sun God smiles at me on
My Virtual Holiday
Much has changed in that time, especially our economy which is going down the pan. I have discovered the Kraken is not being placated and is swimming further afield in search of his tithe. The Sun God is about to show mankind who is the boss and we are going to get shaken up again, especially as Lizard Dave is pissing off Iceland's Volcanoes. We can no longer keep stabbing holes in the earth so it bleeds fuel and not expect payback with nature's equivalent to a can of raid****. The Sun is our saviour - I know this because it smiled at me - and we piss it off by firing rockets or ignoring it's mighty power at our peril.

There is only one way we can survive and that is by a leap of coffee consciousness. I know this because Colonel Gadaffi told us the governments of the world were busy spiking our coffee, or Nescaf√© to be precise. Smiffy, a Conspiracist for the People, believes in the Great Colonel Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi. I happen to agree him on this as anyone stupid enough to drink that bland evil shite deserves to have it spiked with something. A good conspiracy theorist never rules anything out. Statistically speaking I could be right. If it takes legalising all drugs in the entire planet to achieve my aims then it's  sacrifice I believe we can make.  All I really care about is coffee, especially when the sun rises.

Since this idea first blossomed in my receptive mind I have become infinitely older and wiser. My tastes are more refined I therefore feel it is only right to increase my demands. If you, the People can have pharmaceutical companies supplying your drugs I want fully trained baristas providing my coffee not Starbucks or Costa or any other of those shite high street chains that sell 'coffee'. True coffee is made with love, even if it comes from shit you know it was loved. This is not the same as shit coffee. Why else do you think the PeopleDon't Want Your Job in Starbucks
Not because they are "union-bustingGuantanamo Bay-supplyingtrademark colonialists"  but because their coffee is shite. It was no coincidence that my 666th Tweet was about Starbucks. I had hoped to do one on Slayer or Iron Maiden but Starbucks is so fucking evil and their coffee so unbelievably shit they thwarted me! I have hated them for many years because their coffee is NOT COFFEE but now I have definitive proof their evil goes beyond bad coffee. So I implore the 99% occupying worldwide to BOYCOTT STARBUCKS even if they kindly let you use their loos.
* A Complete and Utter Bastard (not Smiffy) once told me Butter is the Devil's Spunk and he heard it from the Margarine Marketing Board. 
** and the home if I'm honest but one step at a  time.
*** When plotting such things it is best not to use your employers servers in case of misunderstanding. Sending porn links is okay as long as you know the guy in IT who can show you the good stuff.
**** WD40 works well too I hear.

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