The nights are drawing down and winter's icy claw slowly stretches over the northern hemisphere. You can tell winter is coming from Scandinavia because animal binge drinking is on the increase as the Swann and the BBC report.
However, I have done my research and this time I will not be side-tracked. I remain terrified from the rising threat, animal or not, from the North (and east) because there lies the greatest threat to our way of life. Or mine at least.
“Here in [Sweden] by law, all lecturers at the universities are open, so anyone can go.”
Initially I thought what an amazing concept. You can attend lectures for free. Knowledge dictated not by money or crippling tuition fees and student loans, but on principle. I really thought I may have found another policy to adopt for my manifesto (when I take over the world…on a Tuesday and ban it forever). Smiffy is from the north and he likes drinking and attending socialist lectures at football grounds throughout these Islands. He would probably argue that the Elk was preparing for the lecture. But it was upon calm reflection that I realised my mistake. It’s bloody socialism gone mad! The calm rational Zilla, realised that like anything that sounds good, it’s only when you look under the glitter encrusted surface you find the rotten carcass underneath. Or in this case Northern Socialism.
Recent history shows this. New Labour, though based in London, came from the north. Although it would tax most people to describe them as anything remotely like ‘socialist’, the Tories have reminded us that it was the ‘socialism’ of Labour, rather than the socialism of the banker bailouts, that caused the end of our civilisation as we know it. Indeed from them sprung one of the most hated British Prime Minsters of all time, Gordon Brown. He came from the North. Tony Blair, came from the North. Vikings, who may or may not have pillaged and raped, came from the north. Hadrian’s Wall was built to keep out what came from the north. Nothing good ever comes from the north.
It is no coincidence that Scotland is North, very North and is proud to be socialist (ish). Neither is it a coincidence that snow comes from the North (and east). Wicked witches and rude lazy, fat people come from the North (and east). I’m not saying that everyone from the North (and east are fat but history and my own eyes are with me here. Indeed, this trait, amongst many others, was noticed by extreme southerner Sa`id al-Andalusi nearly a millennia ago:
"Of the nations who have shown no interest in science, the most advanced are the Chinese and the Turks... the rest ... [resemble] animals more than human beings. Those among them who live in the extreme North... suffered from being too far from the sun; their air is cold and their skies are cloudy. As a result, their temperament is cool and their behaviour is rude...their bodies became enormous...They have lost keenness of understanding and sharpness of perception. They were overcome by ignorance and laziness, and infested by fatigue and stupidity. [The "Book of the Categories of Nations", 1068]
I rest my case for now….but I have not finished!
* Northern sources have said this is Southern propaganda and that the queen has been misquoted. Sources close to the queen herself blamed a predictive text on her apparent incitement of the ukriots. She only wanted to meet her subjects for a PINT.