Friday, 9 September 2011

Winters Icy Drunken Claw - A Very Northern Threat

The nights are drawing down and winter's icy claw slowly stretches over the northern hemisphere. You can tell winter is coming from Scandinavia because animal binge drinking is on the increase as the Swann and the BBC report.
Tweet by Graham Swann Thursday, 8th September 2011

But I empathise, to a degree, with the need to drink. It is how evolution has taken the path of those tribes that walk the northern climes. If we didn’t drink in this environment we simply could not survive the cold dark throes of the long winter night - and this is not just because the alcohol acts like anti freeze in our northern hemispheric bloodstreams. Like our blood it runs deeper.
This got me thinking, which for a media infested mind like mine that see’s the overarching conspiracy of life everywhere, this is not always a good thing. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. The REALLY big one and not get lost in the finer details.

Copyright BBC News 8th September 2011
Although not your typical binge drinker, drunken and often murderous Elks that maraud through villages would normally spark me off into another courageous defence against the animal threats to our freedoms!

However, I have done my research and this time I will not be side-tracked. I remain terrified from the rising threat, animal or not, from the North (and east) because there lies the greatest threat to our way of life. Or mine at least.

It was whilst recently researching this impending Northern Doom of another ice age, volcanoes and drunken hoards (which are proven to all come from the north), I saw this comment; 

“Here in [Sweden] by law, all lecturers at the universities are open, so anyone can go.”

Initially I thought what an amazing concept. You can attend lectures for free. Knowledge dictated not by money or crippling tuition fees and student loans, but on principle. I really thought I may have found another policy to adopt for my manifesto (when I take over the world…on a Tuesday and ban it forever). Smiffy is from the north and he likes drinking and attending socialist lectures at football grounds throughout these Islands. He would probably argue that the Elk was preparing for the lecture. But it was upon calm reflection that I realised my mistake. It’s bloody socialism gone mad! The calm rational Zilla, realised that like anything that sounds good, it’s only when you look under the glitter encrusted surface you find the rotten carcass underneath. Or in this case Northern Socialism.

Recent history shows this. New Labour, though based in London, came from the north. Although it would tax most people to describe them as anything remotely like ‘socialist’, the Tories have reminded us that it was the ‘socialism’ of Labour, rather than the socialism of the banker bailouts, that caused the end of our civilisation as we know it. Indeed from them sprung one of the most hated British Prime Minsters of all time, Gordon Brown. He came from the North. Tony Blair, came from the North. Vikings, who may or may not have pillaged and raped, came from the north. Hadrian’s Wall was built to keep out what came from the north. Nothing good ever comes from the north.

It is no coincidence that Scotland is North, very North and is proud to be socialist (ish). Neither is it a coincidence that snow comes from the North (and east). Wicked witches and rude lazy, fat people come from the North (and east). I’m not saying that everyone from the North (and east are fat but history and my own eyes are with me here. Indeed, this trait, amongst many others,  was noticed by extreme southerner Sa`id al-Andalusi nearly a millennia ago:

"Of the nations who have shown no interest in science, the most advanced are the Chinese and the Turks... the rest ... [resemble] animals more than human beings. Those among them who live in the extreme North... suffered from being too far from the sun; their air is cold and their skies are cloudy. As a result, their temperament is cool and their behaviour is rude...their bodies became enormous...They have lost keenness of understanding and sharpness of perception. They were overcome by ignorance and laziness, and infested by fatigue and stupidity. [The "Book of the Categories of Nations", 1068]

I rest my case for now….but I have not finished!

* Northern sources have said this is Southern propaganda and that the queen has been misquoted. Sources close to the queen herself blamed a predictive text on her apparent incitement of the ukriots. She only wanted to meet her subjects for a PINT.

This blogpost is going to evolve somewhat as I find more hard facts to back up my conspiracy theory! Watch as it unravels

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