Thursday, 13 October 2011

Binge Drinking - The New UK Citizenship Test

Alcohol Consumption by Country.
The best way to screen against terrorism and Asylum Seekers from many brown countries.
Image: Wikipedia
Alcohol is an elixir and is essential for a functioning society. As I have argued before:
Communism only collapsed when Mikhail Gorbachev could no longer provide the potatoes to make more Vodka. Why else do you think Boris Yeltsin was the loudest voice leading the calls for Gorby to step down?
Science is also coming round to my way of thinking too:

 So when I saw this I was concerned:
The problem is that we Brits believe that alcohol has magical powers - that it causes us to shed our inhibitions and become aggressive, promiscuous, disorderly and even violent. But we are wrong. [BBC: Is the alcohol message all wrong?]
I stopped reading at that point as the author was obviously talking shite and didn't have the excuse of being drunk in which case I would have read further in the hope of enlightenment. I am after all an exponent of the merits of drunken philosophising. So let us immediately correct this misconception:

Us Islanders do not believe - we KNOW - alcohol has magic powers!

Why else would we call it the Nectar of the Gods? Why else would allow home consumption from the age of Five? Had we had Charles Kennedy instead of Nick Clegg we could of at least drown our sorrows as we get even poorer. Adolf Hitler was teetotal and look at what he did!

Alcohol has helped Ginger people spread their genes throughout the North Islands with the help of Stella Vision and has helped countless ugly people throughout history. The Romans noted the Celtic penchant for drinking and fighting (in either order), but looked down on the Celts because, unlike the invading Girl Drink Drunks they didn't dilute their wine. Presumably to a Celt diluting your grog was sacrilegious and may have explained why Boadicea was so up for a fight against the shandy drinking southern poofs.

Romans were Girl Drink Drunks

The Church of England endorse Binge Drinking with the Big J. Even the Bible commanded the People, especially the 99%, to Drink:
It is not for kings, O Lemuel [Ed-the brother of Lemula?], it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
Now if we could only change the UK Citizenship test* and instead turn it into a drinking contest we'd have a much better idea of who we let in the country rather than asking questions like these: 

So please let us drown our sorrows in peace. 

*I tried the test and failed, so I'm just awaiting my deportation papers as we speak. I'm only half British, which is obviously not enough.

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