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| is this the Real Elephantitis? |
The following report has finally been passed for release by the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science, known as GONADS. Avid readers of this blog probably won't remember the campaign of Freedom from Information, however the emails, supposedly deleted in error by an over zealous foreign temp in admin, have been leaked onto the internet.
An internal inquiry by Lord Touch of Kicking was inconclusive and a monkey blogging from his laboratory was arrested, publicly flogged before being released on bail, that is until the story blew over and all charges were dropped. A Bonobo source we asked has denied rumours he has an offshore bank account, although did admit he had substantial shares in a banana plantation.
Permanent Testosterone Tension (PTT)
The unseen killer
ABSTRACT: Apparently it's a man’s world. This could explain why men have a shorter life expectancy, are more likely to commit suicide, are more likely to die in armed conflicts, have a higher level of coronary heart disease and can't have multiple orgasms unless a cattle prod is shoved up their anus (apparently)! It’s also said that behind every great man there's a woman who's got him by the balls. Yet if it is a man’s world why is that when men are in a shitty mood they don't have the excuse of blaming hormonal fluctuations? The only time our hormone testosterone is mentioned it sounds like an accusation. In an age of excess and obesity, it's not having too much, but merely having it that's a bad thing. Without Testosterone men will suffer unbearably and GONADS warn that allowing catastrophic levels of pussy will push the planet past the tipping point.
Using PMT as an excuse is simply a part of human nature. Women have been provided with a biological excuse so why shouldn’t they use it? When you consider the propensity of most men to run for the hills (or pub) when the words “period” and/or “pain” are mentioned and the way male bosses avoid all forms of eye and breast contact and mumble “yes, yes” and immediately sign the sick form off – they would be insane not to take advantage. Men can butcher thousands, bathe in the blood of their enemy, watch countless depraved acts of barbarity and perversion on their computers but when confronted with a species that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die, they suddenly become squeamish. This evolutionary response is simply about survival unless of course you want to spend the rest of your life self booting the purple-headed yogurt pistol.
Background
After long and very hard scientific study GingerZilla discovered that men too suffer from cyclical hormonal imbalances which he has termed “Permanent Testosterone Tension” or PTT for short. Unlike its sister, PMS, which occurs on a monthly basis, PTT is an ever present menace and its discovery may help the greater understanding of the male species.
PTT is believed to affect between three-thirds and two-halves of men of all ages (but not eunuchs or testicular challenged penguins).
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An internal inquiry by Lord Touch of Kicking was inconclusive and a monkey blogging from his laboratory was arrested, publicly flogged before being released on bail, that is until the story blew over and all charges were dropped. A Bonobo source we asked has denied rumours he has an offshore bank account, although did admit he had substantial shares in a banana plantation.
There is no doubting the contentious nature of this work, and the feminist community will be up in arms to decry the distraction this provides for the very real problem of PMT. However the Zilla feels that the major pharmaceutical corporations and their pocket scientists and lobbyists will be on board in no time pressing for the production of an over-priced and pointless pill for every man in the western hemisphere, if not the planet.
Permanent Testosterone Tension (PTT)
The unseen killer
ABSTRACT: Apparently it's a man’s world. This could explain why men have a shorter life expectancy, are more likely to commit suicide, are more likely to die in armed conflicts, have a higher level of coronary heart disease and can't have multiple orgasms unless a cattle prod is shoved up their anus (apparently)! It’s also said that behind every great man there's a woman who's got him by the balls. Yet if it is a man’s world why is that when men are in a shitty mood they don't have the excuse of blaming hormonal fluctuations? The only time our hormone testosterone is mentioned it sounds like an accusation. In an age of excess and obesity, it's not having too much, but merely having it that's a bad thing. Without Testosterone men will suffer unbearably and GONADS warn that allowing catastrophic levels of pussy will push the planet past the tipping point.
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| Temi needs just 50p a week . for professional treatment |
Using PMT as an excuse is simply a part of human nature. Women have been provided with a biological excuse so why shouldn’t they use it? When you consider the propensity of most men to run for the hills (or pub) when the words “period” and/or “pain” are mentioned and the way male bosses avoid all forms of eye and breast contact and mumble “yes, yes” and immediately sign the sick form off – they would be insane not to take advantage. Men can butcher thousands, bathe in the blood of their enemy, watch countless depraved acts of barbarity and perversion on their computers but when confronted with a species that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die, they suddenly become squeamish. This evolutionary response is simply about survival unless of course you want to spend the rest of your life self booting the purple-headed yogurt pistol.
Background
After long and very hard scientific study GingerZilla discovered that men too suffer from cyclical hormonal imbalances which he has termed “Permanent Testosterone Tension” or PTT for short. Unlike its sister, PMS, which occurs on a monthly basis, PTT is an ever present menace and its discovery may help the greater understanding of the male species.
PTT is believed to affect between three-thirds and two-halves of men of all ages (but not eunuchs or testicular challenged penguins).
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| GONADS 'Evil cats murdered this pair of puppies' |
Read the shocking revelations only at GingerZilla
***ENDS***
The Symptoms:
Where as it is suspected that changes in female hormones produce fluctuations in the levels of natural opiates that influence appetite and moods. In men the resulting increase in testosterone has an amphetamine like quality and explains why they talk so much bullshit. However, the three thirds of sufferers experience a far more serious and complex set of symptoms that often appear before masturbation. These may include:
- Depression
- Irritability
- Propensity towards outbursts
- Distension and pain in the testes
- Headache and dizziness
- Restlessness and insomnia
- Increased fluid retention
- Sore arms and aching wrists
- Blistered hands
Irritability – Having PTT means those around you are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of your every utterance. But this hardly surprising when you are carrying an excruciatingly full sack around with you.
Propensity towards outbursts of anger - one patient said "especially when some bastard has spilled your pint" a view point shared by the other patients interviewed.
Depression – this is more pronounced when suffers are experiencing acute Big Gonad Syndrome (BGS) caused by lack of sex rather than societal repression. Lack of sex, understandably, can not only lead to depression but in extreme cases severe scrotum straining and even suicide.
Cravings for alcohol - Alcohol is a known depressant and decreases sexual drive when consumed in vast quantities. Rather like cravings during pregnancy where the female body seeks to redress a nutritional imbalance, sufferers of PTT self medicate with alcohol to quell their sexual urges by shrinking the penis, inhibiting the ability to communicate with members of the same species and actively causing unconsciousness. Unfortunately this effect can only be achieved by drinking vast quantities, lower or moderate quantities can increase frustration when the complex mating rituals fail miserably when an off the cuff attempt at comedy usually ends in violence against the gonads.
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| This sufferer spends his days playing jungle croquet |
Possible Causes
Although not much is known of the causes of PTT, there are a few possible triggers which bring on bouts of testosterone fuelled mayhem for sufferers and should be avoided.
Nagging – Although no direct scientific link has yet been established, there is a strong correlation between those suffering the most debilitating aspects of PTT and incessant nagging. As men are renowned for their terminally short PTT fuses being told about their toilet seat habits, that they are drinking too much or that you will never take one up the back door may cause a fatal build up of testosterone and/or sack fluid. Our research has also found that sleeping on the sofa can also have a further detrimental effect on male health, thus compounding the effects of nagging.
Football/Sports – Testosterone is strongly related to controlling mood and especially aggression and competitiveness. Just watch any English Premiership football match and you will see this displayed in abundance. Rather than FIFA meting out bans and fines, they should facilitate the rehabilitation of these members by understanding and treatment. It is no coincidence that those members that display the most aggression often tend to be the ugly “hard man” type whose facial deformities most likely resemble their penile deformity. It is not surprising they lack the necessary sexual prowess to offload their heaving testicles.
Whilst PTT is a debilitating illness, ot is not fatal, however left untreated many go on to develop BGS and have in very extreme cases, shown heightened symptoms that have led to suicide and even death.
Whilst PTT is a debilitating illness, ot is not fatal, however left untreated many go on to develop BGS and have in very extreme cases, shown heightened symptoms that have led to suicide and even death.
Big Gonad Syndrome (BGS).
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| This only happened after Sharon left Randy |
Although the majority of men would chop off a testicle in order to achieve a larger manhood and not be hung like a chinchilla, Big Gonad Syndrome (BGS) also known by the clinical name Maximus Diccus Elephanti, is a severely disfiguring and disabling condition. Recent studies by very credible scientists that are funded by the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science (GONADS) have proved a possible genetic link between haemorrhoid faced males and their haemorrhoid like penises. Their genital regions are so atrophied that the resulting lack of sex can lead to an immense build up of testosterone and causes the testes to enlarge. This leads to a secondary build up of fluid within the scrotum sack which swells so enormously that it has the visual characteristics of a bull elephant in musth. The resulting build up of pressure in the gonad region is like Testicular Russian Roulette. Statistically there is a 17% chance of instant death if symptoms are not treated immediately. However help is now at hand, quite literally.
Finally there is hope for men displaying the early signs of BGS (sweaty or hairy palms, blurred vision, impairment to memory or reason, etc...) and once the disease is in remission it can then be regularly managed. Treatment costs about $5 per weekly session and must be performed by professionally trained and discreet lady boys who are expert in the art of siphoning excess fluids from the testes. Although there have been some moral objections, the benefits far out weigh any side effects from social exclusion.
Finally there is hope for men displaying the early signs of BGS (sweaty or hairy palms, blurred vision, impairment to memory or reason, etc...) and once the disease is in remission it can then be regularly managed. Treatment costs about $5 per weekly session and must be performed by professionally trained and discreet lady boys who are expert in the art of siphoning excess fluids from the testes. Although there have been some moral objections, the benefits far out weigh any side effects from social exclusion.
Treatment of Permanent Testosterone Tension
There is no single cure for PTT, however many men, have found that making changes to their lifestyle can help to control their symptoms, which include:
- Eating a balanced and nutritious diet rich in alcohol and processed meat.
- Increasing the consumption of sugar and salt. There is anecdotal but convincing signs that eating kebabs at 4am in the morning can be beneficial to general wellbeing of males and the benefits far outweigh the dubious quality of meat and lard dripping on to your trousers.
- Substantially increasing alcohol and caffeine intake.
- Not doing any form of exercise - ever. The risk of injury outweighs any possible benefit for sufferers.
- Sleeping around. Low moral standards and sexual values are to be encouraged amoungst sufferers. Some underground pro PTT groups have said that in emergencies and to prevent possible death they have resorted to profuse public displays of masturbation and necrophilia to relieve their symptoms.
A leaflet, free to download and share, will be released shortly.
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