Making your Employer pay for your Drug habit!
If you work for most British companies, provided they are not run by fanatical religious zealots, then you will no doubt be aware of a beer bust. For the uninitiated, a beer bust is when your employer pays for alcoholic drinks on pay-day (or thereabouts). Whilst to some this may sound great, in the cold sober light of day, this incentive is not worth the stuff I tend to piss out after a beer bust. Like anything that emanates from the great corporate deities, you must always question their reasoning, for there is no such thing as a free lunch. So why do employers want to get their employees wasted?
Besides getting all the office gossip because you are too annihilated to prevent the natural censorship that exists between your brain and mouth, employers are also encouraging us to drink away the thinking parts of our brains in case we ever dare question their infallible leadership. History bears the scars of many such occasions where the ‘powers that be’ learned valuable lessons in their perpetual march towards totalitarian control. This is of course precisely why employers are so keen to provide employees with a beer bust. Because we, the people, will not revolt when drunk, although we will have a good old fashioned punch up every now and then before passing out in a pile of our own puke.
History
A cursory glance at the annuls of history shows up some very enlightening examples of when our masters have failed to take heed of their objective of keeping the masses drunk. In 1830 the Polish people revolted because of a rise in Vodka taxation, whilst in the 1920’s, downtown America turned to anarchic gang warfare during prohibition. Never one to miss an opportunity to further compliment their constraints on the masses, the rulers of this planet soon learned from their mistakes and made sure they kept us drunk in order to make us comply. It is a basic construct of dictatorial rule and ensures that we are too wasted to care about what is really going on in the world. As long as there is a bottle within easy reach to drown away our worldly sorrows, who gives a shit? Contemplate this - if it wasn’t for Vodka do you really think Russia would have put up with communism for all those years? Communism only collapsed when Mikhail Gorbachev could no longer provide the potatoes to make more Vodka. Why else do you think Boris Yeltsin was the loudest voice leading the calls for Gorby to step down?
Well I don’t know about you but I for one have had enough of this drug used as a tool of employer oppression and I am no longer willing to accept this brainwashing from governments and from employers in all their collective forms. I am however, prepared to haggle! I will stand with the megalith that is corporate power and in full accordance we will cease all known employee incentives and benefits forthwith [i]. Now my dear brothers and sisters, before you fall off your chair in shock that the GingerZilla has gone over to the other side in the vain hope of assimilating with the establishment, I implore you to read on.
Quality not just Quantity
We are only willing to relinquish employee benefits on the sole condition that any funds thereby saved are used for collective bargaining with the relevant cartels and assorted governments who can (and no doubt will) supply quality drugs. This is simple supply and demand economics. The more money saved by cancelling employee benefits, the more money is made available to buy more drugs. Therefore with our increased collective purchasing power we can negotiate better prices and a higher quality end product. Collectively we can’t get our shit together, however Corporations already have their shit together and their aiming their asses at you! But rather than aim our asses back, we can work with them to create a more harmonious world. Hey let’s face it anything has got to be better than having an ass in your face.
Let us consider the humble hamburger as the example of how the great economic might of the world of commerce works for Mr Big and not for Mr Small. The more money you spend the bigger and better quality the burger! It’s that straightforward! For an extra 30 or so cents, pence or other coinage you can super size your fat ass even further. So the first lesson we learn is more ‘money equals more quantity’. Why else are drugs cheaper by the kilo? Let us now consider quality.
If you spend 99 pence then you will get 99 pence worth of ‘burger’, which is usually some limp lettuce, vinegary ketchup, metamorphosied slimy gherkin and something that may just have been alive in an alternate reality [ii]. However, go to a nicer part of town, away from the miscellaneous eateries we shall collective call the Houses of Babylon, W7, and you can spend more money and get something that was hand fed grapes before being zapped, mangled and minced into the form of your luxury burger. This is a fundamental point here. We don’t want the quality equivalent of free company t-shirts here. We want “eye ball rolling, ass shakin' deep trance state [iii]” class drugs that knock us into another universe.
The Right Drug for You
Cocaine, Heroin, Cannabis, DMT, PCP, whatever the drug of your choice, it will cost next to nothing. In fact it won’t cost you anything at all, which is the whole idea. Just turn up for work and be fed your drug of choice all day long. You probably spend all your spare money on drugs anyway so we can’t loose. And for those who don’t take drugs (or admit to it) you don’t have to partake, however we are quite willing to take weigh up all addictions and to this end we could even support Latté addiction. We could always find the right drug for you, however you don't have to take part - it just means more for the rest of us to quaff. With the Global Conglomerates and Governments of the world onboard the drugs themselves are not going to be illegal, they will just have legitimised what they already do anyway.
Employer Benefits
The Employers and the bollock shuffling subordinates among you may be wondering what’s in it for you? You already have subsidized occupational drugs already - it’s one of the perks of the job isn’t it? In fact why should you share? Giving your employees benefits could set a bad precedent. And who knows what Pandora’s box that could open? The next thing you will have to share the company profits on something resembling ‘fairness’ and it will be communism all over again. We are not asking that of you. We are willing offering to relinquish all other employee benefits. No more pensions. No more expensive company do’s…..
What we are proposing is that we should all have access to free quality drugs, which means free drugs for you too. There will of course be some other very beneficial side effects which should be welcomed wholeheartedly.
Consider this: The more drugs we take the more we will be able to work Herculean hours. Added to that, your employees will actually want to be at work for once rather than making up excuses for not being there [iv]. For once in their petty worthless lives your employee can actually say they DO enjoy their job (and mean it!) It will be fun to work and to be at work. Rather than plotting their drug intake for the weekend and using company phones to call their dealers, you can cut out the middle man in the employee-employer relationship and supply this service directly for them. Thus you have removed an obstacle to employee productivity and ultimately company profits.
Customer Service operatives could be contractually obliged to smoke weed. This will avoid conflict with your customers and a positive spin will always be placed on any situation. There is also the benefit of haphazard and incorrect notes being taken on your database saving you millions in potential Data Protection breaches. The team huddle could even include a toke rush to improve team bonding and increase short term memory loss.
Corporate funded scientists (you know the ones who keep saying that Global Warming does not exist, it’s really Mother Earth having a period) could be made to take mushrooms so rather than trying to see inside the atom they can be the atom. Just imagine what would have happened had Steven Hawkins taken copious amounts of DMT and seen God instead of the universe?
[addendum note: I was right about corporate funded scientists and to this day believe they should take psychadelics en mass. However I was wrong about two things. Firstly which side the corporate funded scientists are on and secondly it is clearly not warming any mor. There is a distinct chill which has lingered over these islands since I released this piece for the second time. I would suggest a solar influence, quite possibly caused by the refusal to pay the Kraken in gold. Spring Equinox+1 the Mighty Twelve +1]
Horses for Courses
Of course there are some considerations such as using the appropriate drug for the right job. In the same way that the Beatles sounded better after they met Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, that doesn’t mean the world should have to endure Britney Spears in a K Hole (although this could be considered an improvement). There is no point giving a librarian speed, because even if they can rearrange the entire British Library (somewhat) alphabetically in three minutes, the strict code of silence just could not be upheld. It is the old maxim “horses for courses”. And that’s how you should think of us. Horses can run and run until they drop down dead. Give us drugs and we will gladly do the same for you too. If we complain give us more drugs until we stop complaining. If an employee turns up for work on Monday morning with a severe comedown, then this is no longer a problem either. Just give them a few uppers and they will be back up with the clouds using their innate creativity to make you even more money! This is a win, win situation and the potential benefits for both sides are phenomenal and must be considered.
So let us reconsider my points:
- Bulk buying means better quality and cheaper drugs
- Employees can work until they drop (literally)
- Employees will want to come to work
- Corporate decisions can made round the Bong
- Global Corporate interests will benefit from increased profit
- Small cash crop farmers will be eternally grateful
- Undertakers will do a cracking trade!
- We can achieve history here comrades!
Liberty, Equality, Fraternity & Drugs for all!
[i] Excluding company pensions as a) they are worth less than a small blue Rizla packet and b) because we won’t needing them anyway.
[ii] In the alternate reality as documented in The History of Bob and the Bastards by Craig Mitchell & Deane Edwards you would most likely be eating a Bobitto Burger. A Bobitto is a small horse like creature, which is about the size of a very fat, greedy spoilt cat owned by a senile old lady No 47A that is completely unaware that the cat is whoring itself out to No’s 7, 11, 29C & 47B on weekdays. Bobitto’s also eat spices and come in a handy crunchy outer layer!
[iii] © GingerZilla 2004
[iv] There are hundreds of these including sick fish and grandmothers that live only twice. Some can be viewed at ABC Workplace Best and Worst: Making Excuses The Mother of All Excuses & The Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
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