Friday, 11 May 2012

Can Carbon Taxes Stop it Raining Polar Bears

Any library could tell you it's fucking wet, but not the Met Office.
Every time the Met Office or Environment Agency declare a drought it ends. Even a witch doctor would be proud of their success rate, however they would be lynched for talking so much bullshit. What has become clear is that not only do they not have the predictive power that I do, they have an unerring ability to fuck up the most basic forecasts and still claim they need more money. There is a simple equation to their computer models which can best be summed up by this phrase
Some pre-emptive hardcore panic merchants have informed me that computer models have predicted  extreme storms from climate change, which increases the likelihood of it raining polar bears (this is of course dependent upon the cheerleaders of the movement not eating all the polar bears first to confirm their theories of the threat to polar bears).

On All Fools Day, in my piece Queen to blame for Drought I warned of Global Warning Sharks being sighted near our Bastard Isles. Not many people paid attention to me but I made it clear the drought was just one of those things as anyone with any sense of history of these fair Isles would know; 
Droughts come, droughts go as will this one. It is predictable, it runs in cycles and soon will come a day - so common in these Bastard Isles - when we pray not for rain but for the fucking rain to stop. Here endeth the lesson.
In light of the wettest April rain on record - a record that spans a measly hundred years - we were told that it was not enough rain, the wrong kind of rain and finally the Bastards declared the wettest drought on record. The Met Office by contrast had forecast that April would be the driest month of Spring.

Sources have informed me of a Met Office forecast for 2012 to be another 'record' hot year, however they went on describe all possibilities to hedge their bets leaving the people of the Bastard Isles in total bewilderment. Although I am not panicking yet, I am wondering if I should put my coat and gloves away and if it's safe to go outside without being pelted by a deluge of polar bears. To stop this depressive wet terror from the skies, Carbon taxes have been proposed to stop the rain and bears. It is no coincidence that the disastrous floods of recent years in Australia came when the Global Warning Sharks managed to take control of the lost continent, showing the world how to fleece the locals of even more of their dwindling supply of money. Rumours that this was just a weather cycle have been strongly denied by Mann, who may or may not be eating polar bears to hide the decline.

According to my sources, the late government minister Chris Hune, who has been strongly linked to Global Warning Sharks, has speculated that the recent bombardment by snow was caused by the Bastard Isles not having a Carbon Tax. Had a carbon tax been in place then we would have only received the usual dusting of snow which dissolved on contact with the air*. Evidence of the failure of a protective Carbon Taxation Zone was shown by recent snow daring to penetrate the layers of hatred and hostility in the beating heart of the City - which the French have threatened to stab.

* it is entirely possible, as predicted by Global Warming Sharks that it has not snowed in London this century or if it did Londoners forgot what it looked like and were confused by a ticker tape parade.

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