Thursday, 8 September 2011

Hunting Hoodies


One month on and I am still quite fragile and prone to fear in the aftermath of the #riots* [a.k.a. #londonriots #ukriots #englishriots]. I was suspicious about geese movement and birds tweeting beforehand and as we now know tweeting may have been responsible for the riots – despite what Ken Clarke and various think tanks may have said since.

According to my ‘sources’, the youth of our islands, many of them of the hoodie subspecies,Pwned the country in a way that previous riots around the world and through centuries haven’t – like eva! Even in 1981 when riots somehow spread across the land without the use of social media (I presume messages were cast by bongo bongo drums but there are holes in the archaeological record). Some have commented on the parallels with 1981when we were also treated to Royal weddings, Recession and Riots (the 3R’s of Tory Government) – but correlation does not imply causation. It is after all a staggeringly improbable, but completely unconnected sequence of events. This is the internet age – it’s all new, it says so on the packaging!

Like many stenographers of mainstream journalism, I too struggle to remember much beyond last week and the ability to connect past events – what with all the coming from my tv set how do I stand a chance?
But when I’m not confused I am afraid. Fear is best alleviated with wanton violence rather than love or compassion. In Britain we banned fox hunting but we still have a cultural bloodlust that needs satisfying. I can see a synergy here as hoodies are, after all,  'feral animals' or a ‘feral underclass’. 

I can't help but feel that as a society e-petitioning the government to stop benefits is not enough even if ministers seem to be listening to\ the public and giving these animals more reason to nick stuff. We need something more. As I am not constrained by advertisers, scientific or social dogma, democracy or even logic I may be able to solve this problem and alleviate my sense of doom if I can persuade everyone to hunt hoodies.

If we as I have argued take a hard line against heifers, we can, and should, do the same against hoodies. A televised prison ship, has it’s merits but would get tiresome. Prison also tends not to work as gathering criminals together only helps team bonding and the exchange of nefarious ideas rather than rehabilitation. Has the House of Commons taught us nothingFlogging is too good for them and is not currently legal. However  shooting is, at least in some circumstances and this could be just the deterrent and show of violence we need. The viewing figures would be wonderful and the advertising revenue, not to mention the phone voting (which may cost considerably more from your mobile) could help us recoup some of the £133million in policing and compensation. This could help distract us as our civilisation crumbles around us.

David Attenborough Hanging wiv Hoodies
We as a society, a land sodden with centuries of fighting and drinking should set up local militias to hunt for European bears (in case they make it through/across the Channel), illegal immigrants and hoodies.  We can foster the sense of our multicultural society, not by ganging together to mug Malaysians, but to club and shoot things we feel threatened by. I watch television. I read the papers. I know how scary the world really is!

I distinctly remember the Daily Mail headline of rape amongst the pillage, which must be true as newspapers don’t needlessly exploit vulnerable people’s pain for their own needs and I haven’t seen a front page retraction. This adds righteous indignation to my fear and gives every reason to  ignore side issues such as human rights, innocent until proven guilty, social deprivation, an out-of-control consumerist ethos, mass youth unemployment/education our elected representatives loot of the public purse or even what happens when you arm bears. You could argue the Prime Minister and Mayor of London led by example with violent behaviour, you could argue that it’s the Muslims and also black and east European communities or even a shoot to kill policy against known black men…but you would be wrong.

Photographic Evidence of HariboAddiction
In my voodoo conspiracy addled brain (which is a possible  result of playing Stock, Aitken 'n' Waterman records backwards to listen to the subliminal messages) the real reason is an over dependence on the chemical and/or sugar high sweet menace. Unlike many of the speculative theories above I have science and photographic evidence behind me (see right). The historical record also shows that Cola Bottles were available in 1981. 

But whilst searching for reasons for the carnage on the high street, is not inherently wrong it doesn’t satisfy the need for blood – even if you blame sweets.  So instead of searching for reasons and providing excuses, just imagine if Julian Bell, the Labour Leader of London’s Ealing Council; an area hard hit by the violence, didn't tweet just as the BBC was confirming it was kicking off:
"Spoken to #Ealing Borough Commander who tells me that the Police have control of #Ealing Broadway town centre"
and instead said this:
"It's not that we don't welcome hoodies in Ealing. It's just that this one wasn't behaving properly. The hoodie kept wandering into populated areas. Its death was regrettable. But we didn't have much choice."
I rest my case.

* some Islanders have tried to disassociate themselves from the disturbances by referring to the riots as the local crime rate
IMAGE NOTE: I do not own the copyright for the images in this post and have used them under fair use. If you know the originator of said images please let me know so I can rightly credit them.

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