Friday, 7 May 2010

Distorted Reflections on the Election

Monday 3rd May 2010
Can Gordon count on you?
A Conservative pamphlet dropped through my door and rudely interrupted weekly day of planning for world conquest. Unlike the television or the net, a pamphlet through YOUR door cannot be ignored by changing channels or websites. It involves a physical interaction as you pick it up and process it accordingly by reading (or not), cherishing, dumping or recycling. I prefer the latter, it cleanses your house by making something positive from the unwanted evil of politics.
Before recycling I did read it and was amazed at what I read, or rather (since this is image politics) didn’t. I now have even less idea what they stand for. Rather than extolling the virtues of a Conservative Government or its policies all I gathered was there was a bogeyman called Gordon Brown. Oh, and that they were better than him, but then so is Gordon the Gopher, but that doesn’t mean I will vote for him.

Tuesday 4th May 2010

Tory Yob..sorry Boy
The Sun, declared today that down ‘wiv’ it Conservative leader David Cameron had transformed from Tory Boy into ‘Iron Man Cam’ presumably evoking a wistful image of the Iron Witch, erm Lady, Margaret Thatcher as well as the topical Iron Man 2 film. The image (right) desperately tries to portray Iron Cam as a strong leader, putting his fist down in, I presume, a leader like fashion. Now it may be just my interpretation or the perspective, but Cameron appears to be waving a very large fist at me in a very threatening manner. In normal circumstances the Sun uses such pictures with the words ‘Yob, ‘ASBO’ and the obligatory ‘Broken Britain’ banner accompanying it . Don’t they understand I cannot love a leader who is going to thump me.
As the day draws through a close, my diligence in reading party manifestos has taken me no closer to finding any even contemplating an outright ban on Tuesday’s.  Despite this disappointment I am contemplating supporting the Monster Raving Looney Party because of this killer policy:
"Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful... process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses"
This is absolute genius and at a stroke will solve the chronic shortage of nurses in the NHS and may drastically alter problematic behaviour  in the playground;

‘Johnny’s picking on Barry again’
 Has he had his jab yet?’
‘Kylie looks a bit hyper today…’

Wednesday 5th May 2010
Backstage at the 2010 X-Factor Auditions
Back Stage with the X-Factor Judges

It’s the day before polling and the Sun have none other than Simon Cowell telling us to vote. He doth protest that he is not telling us who to vote by telling us ‘[Cameron] is the Prime Minister Britain needs at this time.’ Yes Simon, that is not telling us how to vote, you have successfully transcended your dark arts from the music industry into politics. We will obey you because you are worth over £100  million and want your taxes cut by making more people poor. But I don’t blame him. It’s a Ferengi thing.

Can peoples’ vote really be influenced by Simon Cowell or the Sun? I propose removing all voting privileges for these Neanderthals and chopping off their fingers so they can’t vote on  Britain's Got Talent or the X-Factor. Whilst I could take the moral high ground about the great sacrifice of our forebears for this stance, I have a sneaky suspicion it is heavily influenced by my innate music fascism.

Just before I retired for the night I caught the Sun’s final election headline. The best they could do was a poor homage to the Obama Hope/Progress posters. Even if David Cameron met a black man, it does not make him a black man – he does not have the style, or the nose to carry it off.  In fact the more I look at the picture, the more I realise that Iron Cam is the spit of BNP leader Nick Griffin on the Atkins diet.

The Muslim One
Thursday 6th May 2010

The early hours of election day and whilst scouring websites for spoofed political adverts I came across this:

The Youth of Today
It is fitting that banners have played a fitting comic role at the close of the election;

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage was nearly killed in a light airplane crash – after allegedly tangling with his own party’s campaign banner. Then David Cameron’s vote was delayed by two hours by a banner bearing his image and the slogan 'Britons know your place. Vote Eton, vote Tory.' The Daily Mail, said this was “apparently in support of the Tories” because the protesters said they were ‘celebrating’ not protesting. 

Tory B

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