Little is known of the incredibly small English county of Bastardshire and its villages. Bastardshire existed for five years, nine months, two weeks and four cockerel crows during the time of Richard the Lion heart(1). Less is known of sole founder Lord Bob the Bastard, who was lynched after outlawing Wednesdays* in favour of Bastarday which he dedicated to himself. The inaugural Wednesday of Bastarday happened to be the Feast of Badger when the locals had traditionally got themselves royally pissed as Badgers(2). As Bastarday was to be a day of rest and total dedication to Bob the Bastard, this meant the local public shack, The Cock in Mud, was closed as Drunk John, the landlord, was ordered not to open or face a year in the Bastard's dungeons. The locals were not too worried at this stage and raced off to Little Mo’s off license only to see Mo being dragged off to the dungeons by the Lords loyal Bastard Guards for opening on the Day of Ded[ication]. Mo was reported to have screamed that Fred the local woodland Druid was “going to be very pissed about this” and would exact revenge on the Bastard.
