#SPACEPORN EXCLUSIVE: Lovejoy's Back - Wanted for Questioning by Operation YouTree* ...and Scotland

Villagers preparing to defend themselves.

Cinderella is once fabled to have said "the more things change the more they stay the same". I have often said myself same shit, different day although it is quite possible if I had the winter vomiting bug, known as the Bloody Nora Virus, I may have said different shit, same day. 

#Krakageddon Blowing up the Great Barrier Reef

It has been a long war.

We know in the hunt for Osama Bed Linen it was necessary to drop bombs on mountainsides. We know that 'war games' in the seas occupied by "yellow bastards" was a cover in the Hunt for the Kraken. We now see something fishy with the following story;

US fighter jets dropped inert bombs on the Great Barrier Reef off Australia's coast during a training exercise that went wrong, it has emerged. 

The two planes jettisoned four bombs in more than 50m (165 ft) of water, away from coral, to minimise damage to the World Heritage Site, the US navy said. 

The jets had intended to drop at a bombing range on a nearby island, but Tuesday's [double Monday's] mission was aborted. Communist Rat Sources

The Kraken in Fishy Figures

The Kraken, wanted for Mass Fish Kill and iffy Greek Entry.*

This awaits moderation. I am disappointed as I didn't call anyone a Kraken denier or accuse them of being a member of UKIP although I, like most Bastards, would benefit from a pub lock in

This clearly pants science and I cannot rule out a possible wedgie being performed upon the public but I digress. Many comments have made salient points for alternative theories but alas like this paper they are wrong. 

First consider the dead stinky fish turning up on our beaches. Whilst many theories are propounded ignore them. If you have watched a Hollywood horror film [Quaid et al] or even read a fictional book you will know this behaviour is a stampede driven by fear. Secondly consider my sage words when we were faced with The Hybrid Global Warning Sharks (of the Climate Apocalypse) [Trademark pending] when it was

Carbon Collector Card Program (CCCP)

Sponsored by Scientists in Search of Funding

Clean carbon? Asif. I  propose scrapping carbon credits instead burying deniers alive deep underground instead. This way we can keep plundering carbon to fly* across the globe so we can warn poor people who can't afford carbon just how bad carbon is.

#FutureHistory Perfumed Arseholes

It has always been thus.

The so-called Dark Ages saw a time when filth and stench were part of daily life in Europe, whether in town or country. Lack of effective sanitation or plumbing, coupled with rising urban populations, inadequate nutrition resulting from insufficient food supplies, and low morale brought about by a corrupt feudal system, eventually led to

Watts Up With That Conspiracy

It's worse than we thought.

GingerZilla says;

I am applying for funding using the hypothesis that I have more bogers up my nose due to climate change, using “1997-1998 season to the present.” Mainly so I can ignore winter years such as 1968/9 and as I wasn’t born making my theory undisputable. 

Anyone accusing me of cherry picking may be executed for climate denialism and for the heinous crime of threatening my source of income.In my next project I will be looking at stealing candy from a baby and blaming it on climate change

GONADS: Eat Pussy

Newborn Killer/Furry Murdering Bastard

GONADS, the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science have been warning us for aeons just how dangerous cats are. It is proving difficult to find witnesses as they keep turning up dead. Behold;

EuropeanPorn#1 Daves Dirty Davos Money Shot

Dave Doing the Dirty in Davos.
Disgusting when he should be at home with the wife .

The daily mail missed a brilliant marketing opportunity this week by not offering their readers free tissues when Dave finally delivered the money shot in Europa's face.

Maggies When Harry met Sally moment.

BBC The Freedom from Information

Management have been Gagging the Staff

On childrens television known rats such as Jimmy Saville and Roland Rat ruined many a childhood (according to Smiffy). I have already shown that the BBC have proven links with Communist Rats like Lenin. 

This culture of secrecy has helped bury the story that - former keyboard player with ultra soft rockers Dare and known occult follower of the CERNgod - Brian Cox has been stopped from phoning ALIENS by the BBC in case they picked up. They want us to believe this is for 'health and safety' reasons. Asif. How can we expect the BBC to tell the truth when they are circling the waggons?

Sun[god] to CERN[god] "Meh"

Public information films have only taught me that America was a very violent place and is prone to being flattened in a series of disasters brought on by an addiction to pornographic levels of DOOM. However, rather than respond to aggression in kind, the Sun[god] went Meh

"The sunspot's magnetic canopy is crackling with almost [but nearly]-X class flares...each "crackle" releases more energy than a billion atomic bombs" SpaceWeather

 Although to us mere mortals this is quite possibly a vulgar display of power, which is quite the in thing in the news these days, on earth we mirrored this Great Meh when we reacted to the news that CERN, the Communist European Rat Nursery, announced that they have nearly but not quite found what they are looking for before passing out the begging bowl so they can continue to communicate with God.

Kraken Threatens to Eat Polar Bears if Demands not Met

Activists try and avoid being eaten whilst looking for bears that Mann hasn't eaten

BREAKING: The Kraken has threatened to eat all the Polar Bears unless his demands for Gold* are met. A crack squad of Global Warning Sharks has been sent on a mission to the North Pole in the hope of fending him off by bashing him on the nose a few times in the hope he heads back to Greece. Whilst many had hoped to encounter open waters, the Arctic is not as ice free as hoped

Can Carbon Taxes Stop it Raining Polar Bears

Any library could tell you it's fucking wet, but not the Met Office.

Every time the Met Office or Environment Agency declare a drought it ends. Even a witch doctor would be proud of their success rate, however they would be lynched for talking so much bullshit. What has become clear is that not only do they not have the predictive power that I do, they have an unerring ability to fuck up the most basic forecasts and still claim they need more money. There is a simple equation to their computer models which can best be summed up by this phrase

Aggravated Government Warming

Oldies get the right-wing feedback loop going*

I have found a link between an increase in global warning and conservatism. As my graph, using data supplied by NASA, shows right wing politics is behind the 'unprecedented' warming we have seen since the Twentieth Century. So if we need to save our Mother Earth, maybe the best thing we can do is get rid of conservatives?

A sign that things are not as they should be.
Now Panic!

#FutureHistory: Queen to blame for Drought?

There have been reports that due to the unusual, but not unprecedented warm weather, Global Warning Sharks have been seen off the coast of the Bastard Isles. Instead of appreciating the fine break from the oppression of clouds, a secret hidden cult wants us to feel guilty and donate to them in the hope they can find a theoretical cure for the Earth Mothers cycle. This cannot be a good thing and is indeed very worrying. A Manchester correspondent tells us

AGWOE*: When Septic Sceptics Speak

The Augurs were heavenly yet ominous.

On the Eighth Double Tuesday of the Mighty 12
I saw the warning signs in the heavens. The Antipodean Beast came to these shores to launch his latest assault on our consciousness and he took away my voice. I had to learn to speak again. I was sent down into a deep darkness as the forces of evil reached inside.

NASA Porn: HARD Evidence of Kraken at Pole

No wonder it's fucking melting!
This has like never happened in history like ever.
Image: NASA adapted by a megalomaniac.

I once postulated that scientists should do drugs as it would enable them to make ground breaking discoveries:

[scientists] could be made to take mushrooms so rather than trying to see inside the atom they can be the atom. Just imagine what would have happened had Steven Hawkins taken copious amounts of DMT and seen God instead of the universe? Occupational Drugs Not Occupational Hazards

I don't think I counted on the side effect of forgetting what happened last week skewing possible discoveries. Behold:

Hybrid Jumping Global Warning Sharks vs Kraken*

Advert from the Ginger Post (**)
(**) not owned funded or linked in any way to Antipodean Beast Corp.

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye [Ancient Source]

Being a parody journalist/blogger, I'm not a believer in holding things in, such as a principles or facts as avid readers will know. However, as the Worlds Greatest [Comedy] Conspiracy Theorist [self proclaimed] I know that everything is connected to the Sun[god] and emissions - even shark shit - so I can understand how systems are important. Yet when your creative belief juices suffer mental constipation because you have sold out your soul and harm others around you it's time to let go. Breathe in. Breathe out. Then laugh.