Back to Basics #Redux

Some groups are are against progress, however the Conservative party have progressed. Under the terrifying regime of benefit scrounger Maggie Thatcher child milk snatcher we were reminded of the need to return to Victorian values. The new caring and sharing have vowed to out do this by taking us back to the last ice age and indeed civilisation itself. Behold;

#FutureHistory An Englishman's Lament

Charles Dickens would be having a field day in current climate.Dickensian times waiting for repeal of Chimney sweeps legislation. #foodbanks

— Del Strain Comedian (@DelStrainComedy) December 12, 2012

Two solar cycles past it was observed;

Revolting Gay Penguins

Disgusting.

I am awaiting the reaction of the Church and several tory MPs following this disturbing news*

small, non-dominant Atlantic molly males, often overlooked for larger, flashier rivals as mating partners, rose vastly in the esteem of females that observed them copulating - regardless of the partner's sex.

* although if I'm being honest I haven't asked.

Old Age Terrorists #21 Reclaim Ram Raiding

Do we wait until there's nothing left in the bank?
Old people do your duty for your country.

Open Season on the bankers has been declared. Underneath the media sensationalism and faux political rage at the bloody bankers we see the whole edifice crumbling. With hyper inflation, anarchy and the Kraken visiting coastal Europe being just around the corner, it can only be a matter of time before the extreme measures that are needed to save us from the precipice will be welcomed by the mewling cabbages. Instead of allowing such evil forces to fly above our heads at five am on a Sunday morning because Heathrow has issues with it's penis size, we must embrace the spirit of ancient volcano gods and sacrifice.

My idea of reintroducing Fox Hunting replacing foxes with Conservative MPs, was sadly not taken up by the Coalition, however. They have taken the spirit of my policy ideas to heart and have substituted their place [of being grossly unfit and detested by the people] with bankers fresh from their bonuses. Someone always has to take flack and these fattened calves are now being prepared for the greatest televisual spectacle of all time.*

Dave's Benefits Shocker: Jobs for Cabbage Patch Dolls

The Tory Party Work Waggon came to take the local benefit scroungers home after their day in the fields.

With the economy in a slump, poor people never cease in their ability to entertain the privileged - as long as they are in cages, behind walls or being viewed from afar. My source Bob has exclusively revealed to me that Dave 'the Lizard' Cameron - who may or may not end up scrounging in bins for party funds if his cosy dinners are stopped - has decided to launch an offensive against anyone on disability benefit. This is part of his wider war on benefits which has Daily Mail readers ordering record quantities of tissues. With the War on France* still at the phoney stage it has been decided that we should at least be fighting something. Now whilst fighting poverty is seen in some nefarious quarters as a laudable leftie [translation: communist rat] thing to do when you are not chucking bombs at brown people, for those of a more right wing persuasion there is nothing better than smashing the poor in the face marching poor people to the Gulags where they can begin to earn their keep and eat cabbages. If it gets really cold then there's nothing wrong with burning poor people as a sustainable heating source.

Old Age Terrorists #14 Fuelling Panic

Oldies have a history of fuelling protest 

I have uncovered a secret plot by the elderly, however first some news...

Dave's Dinner Shocker - Is No. 10 a Brothel?

Dave scrounging for some dinner.
Why we must allow Tory Party Escort Services  to continue their fundraising.

Prostitutes and politicians have a long history of accepting cash for access, so is it any wonder that one of the greatest old age terrorists of all time, Ronald Reagan said; 

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 

Peanuts** or One Small* Problem with Dave's Big Society

Lorraine Kelly's Growler receives an award 

Sunday Exclusive: French Stick in Britannia

The French trying it on with our Fat Slags

My highly trained but spiritually unmotivated monkeys have found this shocking story which is completely true, however I have redacted names to protect the fallen. However some of it remains graphic in nature and tissues should be kept handy for readers of a Daily Mail persuasion:

Cameron's Austerity Christmas

Dave with his hounds after a successful mission to the pole
Image ©MrMurray

With Briton's increasingly turning to suicide to evade paying their debts, British Prime Minister David Cameron has called for a radical rethink of Christmas in the Age of Austerity. According to sources, Dave has been increasingly concerned that some may take the easy way out and kill themselves. Increasing suspicion has been thrown upon the evil old Terrorist in the North pole and because as a child he didn't get what he asked for despite several faxes to Santa. This resentment has festered and Dave has asked his servants to 'sex-up' a document so that he can take out the Old Man of the North. This is not the first time that Dave has attacked Santa. Five months ago, John Wiltshire of Newsbiscuit revealed that Dave

The Kraken Turns on Profit George

Hi I'm George, 
Closet Book Burner

The Profit George is a false prophet! I believed that he was collecting the tithe for the Kraken so gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now I have have more than doubts as I know he is the repressed alter ego of a closet Book Burner! His venom against books and learning is an anathema. As common decency does not allow him to burn books openly, despite the valiant efforts of the Daily Mail, he is launching a simultaneous war of attrition on education and understanding. Not that I blame him, education has got so bad you might as well start again. Think of all the shopping centres that could be built in school buildings and libraries. Children prefer them to school anyway so why not combine them and cut red tape? It's only fair?

Resident Evil: the Kraken Redux

Some sources say computer games and television help us normalise the unthinkable by dehumanising and desensitising us to graphic levels of visual and sensory pornography. Mills and Boon books probably do the same thing to old ladies.* Milk Snatcher Maggie Thatcher showed that old ladies cannot be trusted. If Mills and Boon ever come to PlayStation3 then you know they have taken over. But that concern is for another day. There is a new threat on my horizon and I am scared:

Death and Taxes the Continuing Adventures of the Kraken

Bob has deciphered this BBC news item on the Tithe
Many of Bob's dispatches are not shown here.
The earth is not ready for such revelation, yet.
I am also having difficulty reading his handwriting.

Under current legislation and loopholes in the law, some people are able to shirk their responsibilities and do not contribute to society. This is NOT fair. 

Tory vs Tory Bring Back Fox Hunting

That the government is as entrenched in corruption as the last, or the one before that, or the one before that is no surprise. It is after all a conspiracy. A conspiracy is defined as:

2. an evil, unlawful, treacherous, or surreptitious plan formulated in secret by two or more persons; plot.
 4. Law . an agreement by two or more persons to commit a crime, fraud, or other wrongful act.

This means hatching a plan with your neighbour to get your dogs to crap on another neighbours lawn is a conspiracy, whatever the merits or reasons for doing so (such as revenge for their cats digging up your vegetable patch and then crapping on it).

Cameron Forgives Greece and Rioters but will the Kraken

An Artists Impression of the Tithe Collection in Greece
[Image: Wikipedia]

GingerZilla News: If you believe, it will come

Politicians in Europe go into a cyclical frenzy of saying they need more money to pay the banks and credit agencies, but my sources have revealed the shocking truth.

The banks and credit agencies have a chosen few who take the offerings to the coast and then hide. After the great crashing of waves has subsided they come out and find the tithe has been taken.  Although no one has seen it and there's not even a hoax video on YouTube, we can reveal that it is the Kraken that appears in Greece every few months to collect a tithe before disappearing back into the warm Mediterranean Seas. It was hoped that the continued offerings would limit the appearances to Greece, however there have been rumours of sightings off the coasts of Ireland, Spain, Portugal and now Italy, which deeply upset those hoping their version of Judge Judy would distract the locals. Some reports even suggested an appearance off the Coast of Libya earlier this year, however sources claim the locals' Nescafe had been spiked with hallucinogens and made them go a bit tutti fruity.

Distorted Reflections on the Election

Monday 3rd May 2010

Can Gordon count on you?

A Conservative pamphlet dropped through my door and rudely interrupted weekly day of planning for world conquest. Unlike the television or the net, a pamphlet through YOUR door cannot be ignored by changing channels or websites. It involves a physical interaction as you pick it up and process it accordingly by reading (or not), cherishing, dumping or recycling. I prefer the latter, it cleanses your house by making something positive from the unwanted evil of politics.

I'm shocked by revelations of a gopher fisting ring at the BBC in the 1990s. A full investigation by @schofe to follow. twitter.com/Cory_Tunt/stat…
— Cory Tunt (@Cory_Tunt) November 9, 2012

Before recycling I did read it and was amazed at what I read, or rather (since this is image politics) didn’t. I now have even less idea what they stand for. Rather than extolling the virtues of a Conservative Government or its policies all I gathered was there was a bogeyman called Gordon Brown. Oh, and that they were better than him, but then so is Gordon the Gopher, but that doesn’t mean I will vote for him.