Does Santa Drink Piss?

"it is safer to drink the urine of one who has consumed the mushrooms than to eat the mushrooms directly, as many of the toxic compounds are processed and eliminated on the first pass through the body.It was common practice among ancient people to recycle the potent effects of the mushroom by drinking each other's urine. The amanita's ingredients can remain potent even after six passes through the human body. Some scholars argue that this is the origin of the phrase "to get pissed," as this urine-drinking activity preceded alcohol by thousands of years." Christmas Sauce.

No Cigar this Xmas

I can't believe I missed him again.

Gunning for Santa

Do not approach Santa. He is armed and dangerous.

Christmas Pandamonium #2

Soon children will be solely nannied by playstation. It has to be safer than this. Behold!
***ADVERT BREAKING***

#BanSanta

Just days after my shocking #SundayZilla expose Santas Sack Linked to Child Cruelty* comes this disturbing front page.

#SundayZilla Santas Sack Linked to Child Cruelty*

Capital Punishment for the Pervert.

RT: "@boingboing: Santa sacked dlvr.it/2bm8hW" < Santa's sack linked to child cruelty? :-)

— theGingerZilla (@thegingerzilla) December 7, 2012

I am amazed that Santa has not yet been linked with the Jimmy Seville(*) investigation. Like many other gray haired males famous in the sixties and seventies that had access to children, Santa must be expecting a knock on the door any time soon. 

Muffle Santa: Dunk Your Tea Bag for Victory!

Our fargan rights are being violated!

Can anyone explain the naked man on a statue outside Whitehall? twitter.com/twistedguru/st…

— Ellie Ohajah (@twistedguru) November 23, 2012

I had hoped to hold off on my plans until after the full moon, especially as I saw an agent of the Baron who narrowly escaped my flap crushing blow. Sadly the intolerable levels of Christmas adverts along with the sight of a very drunk crooner dry humping a turtle have left me no other choice. 

Snuff Fiction Redux: Legalities

To Kill or Not to Kill

Global warming is hoax and a reality. The the idea of a liberal media owned by very rich people is a hoax and a reality. Freedom is a hoax and a reality. They are also incredibly boring to many people who have no interest in delving deeper and taking the blue pill. This can be the only logical reason that no one has paid attention to the warnings I have been screaming like a shrill caught in the headlights about the dangers we face from the notorious FUGITIVE justin bieber 

I seriously give up on you people. NO ONE IS LISTENING. He is scarier than pink milk or a plague of fucking VVASPs that enter your twilight dreams as soon as the first burst of summer blows up. In My Honest Opinion he threatens us all. If they could conquer Al-Capone on a tax charge then we finally have something tangible to attack beliebers with! Everything is relative, subjective and open to interpretation. If the world wasn't this way the legal profession would look like this

An Evil Troll - Are you Shitting Me?

Likke Bror: Norske Troll
"Trolls don't think very fast. This one has been caught by daylight and is now becoming a mountain.
Most Norwegian mountains are made of trolls like this one - say some people"
Source: : JNL

There is a reason Santa lives in Norway and not the Eastern half of Scandinavia. There is a reason most Trolls go to Iceland and have to regularly cleanse their fiery bowels afterwards. Evidence of this can be seen throughout the Western Coastline of their Viking homelands, littered with their frozen assets. Behold

12th Night: Release the Kraken for 2012

Below the thunders of the upper deep;
Far far beneath in the abysmal sea,
His ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep
The Kraken sleepeth...- The Kraken, by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Cosmic Latte: Did the Sun Let One Off?

The Met Office said that Northerners are no better at coping with the cold than southern larger drinkers. As this is the same people who predicted a BBQ Christmas* I remain to be convinced. However, in a way they were right about the BBQ element, if you considered the sun let a couple off this festive period.

Sun's Christmas Message: Ill Winds

"what the Christmas star looks like in the 21st century"
Some had hoped it would be Santa
Image: Roman Breisch

The portents were good as a star shone brightly in the sky. The Great "Birthday Comet" of 2011, against all odds, survived and the Sungod after consuming vast amounts of Brussel Sprouts let off to show appreciation. But still my plan failed. The Old Northern Terrorist the Satan Clause is still alive and no Panda has emerged. I tried last night to catch him and waited hours for him to come down the chimney. He never came. This could be because I drank everything in sight leaving nothing for him or he came after I passed out. Unlike, everyone else who drunk to forget the pain of the dark at Christmas, I was seeking Dutch courage and absolution.

Release Santa: The Miracle of Rebirth

What Santa will look like if we do not release the Panda

Evil knows no bounds. How else do you explain this article:

Panda+Coffee=Addictive Love

Almost a shame to drink it.
 Is this how Santa ended up with a Panda inside of him?

I said when I take over the world I was legalising all drugs just so I could get my employer to get decent coffee made by a proper Barista not a bastard machine or a monkey being paid peanuts. I have finally found the one I want to hire. This feels like it is my destiny!

The Year of the Panda

The K Index can't be arsed and is doing a Panda

The Sun is continuing to defy the best efforts of David Cameron and Nicholas Sarkozy who sent a missile into the face of the sun because it wasn't doing what they wanted. The Sun has now flatlined in protest. 

Imagine this Hairy Ass Doing a TeaBag in your face
Image: Wikipedia

All I Want for Christmas is War

It appears Mexico has backed down in their ongoing war with the United States and refused to take political prisoner Saadi Gaddafi. This could be a breach of international obligations but since no one cares about them any more we will move on. 

The liberal idiot Jon Stewart has declared war on Christmas (see video below if it works why not try giggle). This is typical of liberal idiots always getting it wrong. It's Santa that needs to be taken out so we can free the Panda inside him. Reclaim the Festive season and get back to worshipping the Sungod and his Panda. As Hannibal said in antiquity, 'Of course I have a plan. But it's a secret.'

The Panda Inside Santa Must be Freed!
Is this picture from Wikipedia Panda Porn?

Cameron's Austerity Christmas

Dave with his hounds after a successful mission to the pole
Image ©MrMurray

With Briton's increasingly turning to suicide to evade paying their debts, British Prime Minister David Cameron has called for a radical rethink of Christmas in the Age of Austerity. According to sources, Dave has been increasingly concerned that some may take the easy way out and kill themselves. Increasing suspicion has been thrown upon the evil old Terrorist in the North pole and because as a child he didn't get what he asked for despite several faxes to Santa. This resentment has festered and Dave has asked his servants to 'sex-up' a document so that he can take out the Old Man of the North. This is not the first time that Dave has attacked Santa. Five months ago, John Wiltshire of Newsbiscuit revealed that Dave

XFactor News: #ReclaimXmas Assassination Plot on Santa Discovered

He Who Must Not Be Named at Christmas

It is a well known FACT that NORAD have been tracking elderly northern terrorist Santa since 1957. However, researchers at GONADS, the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science, have discovered a secret bankers plot to take him out and possibly do unspeakable things to him and Rudolf. They have sent their representatives and lawyers to sound out the locals to see if they are willing to testify. Failing that they will pay for them to testify. Whilst I would generally agree with the capture and possible prosecution of Santa and am deeply concerned that the bankers are messing with powers they do not understand. There is a fit and proper way to deal with these things before going on a mass land grab, even if it is for appearances only. This does bring up the question of why the bankers feel that now is the time to take out Santa?

#Occupy Turn on Corporate Sponsored Santa

I had a feeling that Buy Nothing Day was secretly sponsored by the Tory Party as a in-joke to poor and old people everywhere. Sadly, it appears not. I am however concerned that the #occupy movement have co-opted the the evil Northern Terrorist Satan Claws. Do they not know how evil he is? Behold:

X-Factor News: War Declared on Santa - Kitten Put Down

ITV received several complaints after Saturday's programme of adverts was interrupted by the X-Factor. A technical failure was blamed on BT. This is not a coincidence. Nothing is statistically speaking. But several users of BT should take this opportunity to complain through BBC Watchdog. On second thoughts scrap that Anne Robinson may be ginger but she was born on a Tuesday and there is a red conspiracy that lies at the heart of BBC programming.