XFactor News: #ReclaimXmas Assassination Plot on Santa Discovered

He Who Must Not Be Named at Christmas

It is a well known FACT that NORAD have been tracking elderly northern terrorist Santa since 1957. However, researchers at GONADS, the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science, have discovered a secret bankers plot to take him out and possibly do unspeakable things to him and Rudolf. They have sent their representatives and lawyers to sound out the locals to see if they are willing to testify. Failing that they will pay for them to testify. Whilst I would generally agree with the capture and possible prosecution of Santa and am deeply concerned that the bankers are messing with powers they do not understand. There is a fit and proper way to deal with these things before going on a mass land grab, even if it is for appearances only. This does bring up the question of why the bankers feel that now is the time to take out Santa?

Santa is a well known slave master but they cannot be allowed this final take over. They will be too powerful if they sacrifice him to the Kraken! It will most likely upset the Kraken as he want's his Tithe. Blood is only useful if it increases the tithe, killing an old man whilst satisfying is not going to increase the tithe. This it typical short term thinking by a cabal of bankers who wish to maximise profits in the short term regardless of the long term consequences. 

My sources have told me that it is a well known FACT that JK Rowling wrote about Dobby to highlight the plight of elves in the Frozen North. That was the whole point of the 7 novels. The books were an encoded masonic message to mankind, which explains why "the after party for the latest Harry Potter world premier" was held at the United Grand Lodge in England. Taking Santa down is a long term objective and with the world economy going into a downward spiral and the Colonel taken down it appears to be a fortuitous time. The fat old Northern Terrorist is holding parents across the world to ransom and they believe this will create wide support. However apart from upsetting children the world over, killing old people whilst being the right thing to do as government sources have confirmed, it may not go down well for prime time viewing as we hack the turkey and get phenomenally drunk as we await the sun to waken again (it's northern hemisphere thing). Santa must live on, but he must be reclaimed to his original purpose rather than letting him continue his reign of terror. We should not be appeasing him with mince pies when we should be spiking them so we can catch him. 

Another misplaced campaign is the #OccupyXmas and #1 campaign which is secretly orchestrated by the Simon Cowellbeast.  We must rename this mission and the very real threat from beliebers. The entire #Occupy movement needs to go back to its roots and reclaim the streets rather than go camping. Camping in this country sucks and winter is coming! However, a street party is a far better idea and any party of any worth does not involve the evil Canadian one. He is the one we must sacrifice this yuletide not Satan Claws.

#OccupyReclaimXmas #Occupyissoyesterday

Right. Now that I have the insect infested brains distracted, those who believe can read our true mission. I have a strategy to save us all. I have seen the power of Panda+Love. That was no coincidence. Panda's are total Zen and total Love. We must capture the mean old long in the tooth pagan god and possible Northern Terrorist Father Christmas. With the power and precision of a sport's stars favourite razor we can help Santa shed his lizard skin and become. The Panda Prisoner inside him must be freed. I am going to send in a friendly neighbourhood serial killer - you can set your clock by them if the reality channel has taught me anything. Does anyone have the email for Dexter's agent?