#FutureHistory: Reclaim Friday13th

“Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility, which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason and the mind becomes a wreck.” –Thomas Jefferson, letter to James Smith, 1822

I propose to offer old people as a sacrifice to appease the volcano gods

At this time of the waning, let us hope that the light stays with us in the darkness. Let us 

Evil French Lies*

Whilst researching this article I found this.
Even I could not have made this up.
Google did and someone got paid.

Starbucks Coffee is Still Shit

They wanted my name in exchange for my soul

The day before the Ides of March, Starbucks launched their latest programme of assimilation to get the world to drink their 'coffee', by asking for your name. As anyone who has ever seen a film on exorcism, the one way to banish deamons is to get their name. It also works in reverse, which is why we teach children not to talk to strangers and not to give your name under any circumstances. 

Agent Bob dared and in return he could feel the deamons seed eating out his insides. He knew something was wrong from the first sip which despite all pretences did not taste like coffee. It is no surprise that Starbucks offer a plethora of additives and flavourings to disguise the taste of the dark lord's jism. 

Starbucks have created more coffee abominations than you can throw a stick at. Starbucks Latte Abuse: Enough Already

Not even copious amounts of sugar and flavourings could disguise the evil contained in a cup. Coffee should not need to be adulterated to such an extent to make it palatable unless it is not coffee and is, as I have speculated with Starbucks - on a purely spiritual and aesthetic basis - the devil's spunk.

[Starbucks] have convinced people that over-roasted mediocre coffee is the way it's supposed to taste. No wonder they have to have so many gunky drinks to hide the flavor of their coffee. 12:12

And just in case you think I am a coffee fascist it's worth considering that Starbucks are anti-God and have been linked to the number of the beast. The bastards!

Proof of Applied Bob Theory

On the sixth Double Monday, the Sun[god] danced for us

One week later, on the seventh Double Monday of the Mighty 12,  the Earth joined joined in the crack craic 

of Bob and Bastards - A Brief History of Bastardshire

This is the short story, from the last solar cycle that turned into "Of Badgers and Bastards - the FutureHistory of the World" by Craig Mitchell and Deane Edwards. Many of the characters that populate my online world are not new as you can see. This website contains the factional background accounts of these characters - ish. I will re-introduce the behemoth FreD to the world soon.

Little is known of the incredibly small English county of Bastardshire and its villages. Bastardshire existed for five years, nine months, two weeks and four cockerel crows during the time of Richard the Lion heart(1). Less is known of sole founder Lord Bob the Bastard, who was lynched after outlawing Wednesdays* in favour of Bastarday which he dedicated to himself. The inaugural Wednesday of Bastarday happened to be the Feast of Badger when the locals had traditionally got themselves royally pissed as Badgers(2). As Bastarday was to be a day of rest and total dedication to Bob the Bastard, this meant the local public shack, The Cock in Mud, was closed as Drunk John, the landlord, was ordered not to open or face a year in the Bastard's dungeons. The locals were not too worried at this stage and raced off to Little Mo’s off license only to see Mo being dragged off to the dungeons by the Lords loyal Bastard Guards for opening on the Day of Ded[ication]. Mo was reported to have screamed that Fred the local woodland Druid was “going to be very pissed about this” and would exact revenge on the Bastard.

Magic #3: Flatulent Earth Theory

He may be old but his understanding of theory is impeccable. 

I cannot discount his words just because of this or that he has a beard.

In the Innu mythology of Canada, Matshishkapeu (literally the "Fart Man") is the most powerful spirit, a legendary shaman capable of inflicting gastrointestinal pain or relief. [Wikipedia]

X-Factor News: War Declared on Santa - Kitten Put Down

ITV received several complaints after Saturday's programme of adverts was interrupted by the X-Factor. A technical failure was blamed on BT. This is not a coincidence. Nothing is statistically speaking. But several users of BT should take this opportunity to complain through BBC Watchdog. On second thoughts scrap that Anne Robinson may be ginger but she was born on a Tuesday and there is a red conspiracy that lies at the heart of BBC programming.

The Power of 42 Incoming!

M1 Coronal Mass Ejection
Image: Spaceweather

 The Sun God has spoken to me and space people have shown me that the prophesy is true:

"Although the eruption was not squarely aimed at Earth, the CME is likely to deliver a glancing blow to our planet's magnetic field on Nov. 11th or 12th. This could add to the impact of another CME already en route. The earlier cloud was propelled by a filament eruption (movie) on Nov. 7th and is also expected to deliver a glancing blow on Nov. 11th." Space Weather

Today is 11/11/11 (11/11/11 in US format) which could well be binary and is very bad news. However for the sake of mankind I shall combat this with my amazing mathematical skill and convert this to the magical 42. I just can't be bothered to write it up at the moment.