X-Factor News: War Declared on Santa - Kitten Put Down

ITV received several complaints after Saturday's programme of adverts was interrupted by the X-Factor. A technical failure was blamed on BT. This is not a coincidence. Nothing is statistically speaking. But several users of BT should take this opportunity to complain through BBC Watchdog. On second thoughts scrap that Anne Robinson may be ginger but she was born on a Tuesday and there is a red conspiracy that lies at the heart of BBC programming.

Piers Morgan in Tabloid Days

Dogs are for life not just for Christmas, where as Kitty has nothing to do with Christmas and should be put back in the bin. I know this from canine sources at GONADS and from watching TV. I know something of the secret history of dogs and that pussy came in peace but after a sharp drawing of claws over a friendly hump, the pussy feigned they had been rubbed up the wrong way and took skin from several GONADS members rather than say anything. That is not a proportionate response, that is overkill as any man would agree - and some women of course. Since that day in infamy, which may well have been a Tuesday, cats and dogs have not mixed. They have long ancestral memories encoded in their DNA. Dogs are known for warning their masters. Cats just leg it and leave you knee deep in kitty litter which is normally thrown in a bin where you may also find Piers Morgan. Canines also agree that bins often make good meaty sources. 

My sources are impeccable - do you dare doubt my sources? I have a proven record of this prediction based upon secret discoveries and the Theory of Bob Source. Behold:

Since I experienced 17 aftershocks in sixty seconds I have seen things in a new light and made amazing discoveries and connections. I am the Future History Mage. I intend to prepare the way for believers who follow me. 

It was no coincidence that the X-Factor was delayed by 16 minutes due to:

"an unusual power spike on Saturday evening which disrupted services from the BT Tower for a short time. We are looking into the circumstances behind the outage."

Coincidence?

NEXT UP: Bob's Dispatch finds proof of the Communist at heart of BBC and more news of the Baron and the Old Age Terrorists. It's a Tuesday in many places on this planet as I write this. Things are happening faster than I believed could ever happen but I'm not sure if that's a side effect of drinking too much coffee or because winter is coming and making me SAD because the Sun God has been hidden for so long on these Bastard Isles.