Wednesday, 15 February 2012

of Bob and Bastards - A Brief History of Bastardshire

This is the short story, from the last solar cycle that turned into "Of Badgers and Bastards - the FutureHistory of the World" by Craig Mitchell and Deane Edwards. Many of the characters that populate my online world are not new as you can see. This website contains the factional background accounts of these characters - ish. I will re-introduce the behemoth FreD to the world soon.
Little is known of the incredibly small English county of Bastardshire and its villages. Bastardshire existed for five years, nine months, two weeks and four cockerel crows during the time of Richard the Lion heart(1). Less is known of sole founder Lord Bob the Bastard, who was lynched after outlawing Wednesdays* in favour of Bastarday which he dedicated to himself. The inaugural Wednesday of Bastarday happened to be the Feast of Badger when the locals had traditionally got themselves royally pissed as Badgers(2). As Bastarday was to be a day of rest and total dedication to Bob the Bastard, this meant the local public shack, The Cock in Mud, was closed as Drunk John, the landlord, was ordered not to open or face a year in the Bastard's dungeons. The locals were not too worried at this stage and raced off to Little Mo’s off license only to see Mo being dragged off to the dungeons by the Lords loyal Bastard Guards for opening on the Day of Ded[ication]. Mo was reported to have screamed that Fred the local woodland Druid was “going to be very pissed about this” and would exact revenge on the Bastard.
As the locals gathered around the shack they saw the Bastard’s Guards locking up the shack and preventing anyone from entering. The Bastard’s loyal Guards had failed to notice that the Moonshine MakerTM had been left unattended and was boiling over. It subsequently blew up and destroyed Mo's moonshine factory.(3)
With nothing to imbibe the new spirit of Bastarday into fruition and with green flames spewing from Mo's off licence the locals cried, panicked and then rioted. Attendance at the Abbey grew a hundredfold in just a few minutes as the locals prayed for forgiveness, although some accounts remain of the locals demanding to be given the blood of Christ - even if it was diluted. With the town in anarchy many broke down and threw themselves at the feet of the local prophet of doom George - Prophet of Smite, Doom and Armageddon’s R US - begging him for mercy. Instead he delighted in telling everyone who had spent years mocking him “See I told you so.”(4)

Word quickly spread throughout the villages and to the local druid Fred who was seen to be frothing at the mouth and gnashing his teeth when he found out about the loss of his patented prototype Moonshine Maker. It had been the best money spinner he ever had, even better than the ‘God Seeing Mushrooms’TM which he had stolen from a travelling African witch (it looked like a witch to him). This disaster meant he would to wait at least another two years to raise the funds to retire to a shack in Southern Spain with his uncle Jose. Incensed, he took the only remaining bottle of Moonshine left and ran all the way to Castle Bastard to present the bottle to the Lord Bastard in honour of Bastarday. Fred the Druid then told the locals that the Bastard wanted all the moonshine for himself and watched as the locals tore the Bastard from limb to limb.
Soon after the Castle was destroyed by a passing tribe of lost Vikings who had decided to make a great pyramid to the god Thor from the stone castle walls. Unfortunately after they had destroyed Castle Bastard, Fred the Druid sold them his "Thor Seeing Mushrooms"TM and they devoted themselves to the last Lord Bastard, Lord Fred Fungus of Bastardshire. Soon after word crept to Ism of a blooming mushroom economy and he demanded King Richard (or Dicky as Ism now called him) raze the village to the ground and take all the mushrooms. Fred fled to Africa and soon started a booming trade in dried mushrooms in the town of Ism. Back in England, Ism ensured that Bastardshire was stricken from the history books before fleeing when the Kings set his army of Pixies on him. 

 (1) It is understood that the nickname 'Lion Heart' came from an early attempt at open heart surgery by a travelling African entrepreneur, Ism, who was caught picking mushrooms on the Kings Estate. Ism persuaded the palace that he was really a witch doctor and not a retailer of fine woodland mushrooms and became the Kings closet advisor. The King allowed Ism to perform 'surgery' which was such a success that King Richard had no scarring at all on his chest (although he did see pixies everywhere for the next week which worried his courtiers a bit). When the King then proclaimed to the court he had the heart of a lion, no one dared to argue with the King nor his army of pixie supporters. 
(2) Although the author hasn't seen a Badger get pissed, in the Middle Ages this was apparently quite common place. Some linguists have speculated that the increase in politicians and decrease in omnipotent royalty has led the phrase to fall into disuse as more modern phraseology evolved. The phrase "Wankered" is believed to have it's origins from "Royally pissed as a badger". Initially the word "royally" was replaced by decree with "politically", although this proved unpopular with the masses who objected to having to say "politicians" instead of "wankers" as a matter of principle. The populist workers phrase "wankers pissed as badgers" was a bit too wordy for most and was soon abbreviated to the current "wankered". Further details can be found in the forthcoming book "Through the eyes of a Badger - An Alternate History of Britain" by Craig Mitchell
(3) The bang was reportedly heard as far as Windsor although at the time it was believed to be the movement of the divine King’s bowels. 
(4) After the uprising George was quickly exalted and proclaimed Lord George the Gloater of Bastardshire. This lasted until about tea time when the locals lynched him too after realizing that the world wasn’t going to end and that George had refused to reopen the Drunk John's public shack during his Coronation. 
TM - Trade Mark, Fred 'the Druid' Fungus, 1st large tree, The Woods just outside Bastardshire 14th Century
*I didn't think people were able to cope with the truth about Tuesday's back then. Now I don't give a fuck.

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