Kraken on Crack: Golden Showers Update

I've cracked it! The reason the Kraken has not delivered the golden shower on the people and is swimming around the Mediterranean searching for an ever larger tithe, almost like a crack addict seeking a bigger fix, is simple. Let me explain...

Is this what we have reduced the Great Kraken to? 

Sire, I bring the Golden Fleece
Ah the Kraken will be pleased

The problem with the Euro, which Technocrats have been fobbing the Kraken off with, is that it just does not cut the mustard any more and in all probability would not be enough to buy mustard, even the economy jars which look like mustard, taste like mustard but are most likely fermented monkey spunk.

The Kraken is old school and promissory notes mean nothing to him, even if he could read. They leave him feeling confused and humiliated. This could also be because their value fluctuates wildly, being worth £5 one day and £5 trillion the next. On this basis I have declared myself worth 1212 trillion on the basis that I am going to save the planet and become it's leader. I haven't decided on the currency but if it's in gold coins I will happily accept most denominations except those shitty ones hanging from the tree. It is this level of understanding that has enabled me to empathise with the Kraken. Like me, the Kraken wants solid Gold! Like me he doesn't want to pay for it, but then again neither did most Nazi film villains.

This financial drought now makes perfect sense. Without the gold the Kraken's divine bladder will not be able to pass the golden shower we are all waiting to trickle down upon us. Once, in the far reaches of time he was satisfied with virgins and gold but virgins are in short supply these days. Gold however is eternal.

I was doubting the bankers, but now I understand their gold lust I fully support any measures to enrich them so they can pass on the Tithe to the Kraken and we can bathe in the trickle down. This is wonderful news for us all. No matter how dark the days are ahead remember, it's always about the gold and it's coming.