New Cuban Missile Crisis: Meteorite American Haarp* Weapon

Russian Bob reports:

the America Imperialist Pig is planning to capture an asteroid and hold small brown countries to ransom if they don't hand over the black gold. 

He also reports NADA may have been behind the meteorite that squeezed into Russian airspace using Haarp* to lull it down from the heavens. This may explain why first hand reports in the Urinals of Russia reported that

the local Znak newspaper, which quoted an anonymous “military source” who claimed that the object was intercepted by an air defense unit at the Urzhumka settlement near Chelyabinsk. According to the source, a missile salvo blew the meteorite apart at an altitude of 20 kilometers, scattering burning debris over the region. "Russia Shot Down The Meteor" Theory Spreads Online, Infowars

  and a senior Russian source

liberal leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky told reporters...“Those were not meteorites, it was Americans testing their new weapons. Russia meteor sparks missile conspiracy theories, UFO fears, Examiner

Indeed as I said the last time something fishy came from Cuba;

As any good conspiracy theorist should know the first official statements usually come in a moment of blind panic when a good cover story is needed. Weeks or months from now the news will quietly slip out along these lines...  

"We are satisfied that after a robust internal investigation no one is responsible for anything. We asked and they denied everything even their names. We had every confidence in our staff and that they would be exonerated."

So what really did happen?

Signs in the Heavens

The Russian meteor formed part of a larger assault on our skies that began on a Double Monday - that makes it highly suspicious[i]. Others have rewound the film many times, checking each frame for artistic integrity completely missing the whole picture.

The first missile/meteor was reported over the skies of Cuba, home of the oldest communist rat known to man, but known by most as Fidel. This is highly suspicious. Communist rat Hugo Chavez was also in Cuba at the time of this 'international incident in the Urinals' and has not denied involvement. Since then he has now returned to Caracas in what is seen by many as a celebration. This is highly suspicious and no doubt left the Americans with no choice but to send a swift warning from space to Cuba's Russian sponsors three days later. That or it was an elaborate hoax by Scientists in Search of Funding (SiSF), but I digress.

The first Cuban horseburger missile/meteor - possibly supplied by European businessmen - strangely malfunctioned and fell close to the supposed launch site in downtown Havana. Hours after the attack on Russian airspace, a second horse missile/meteor named afterthought was barbecued over the skies of Northern California, after being lost for three days.

Clearly, with the mystical power of One Two and Three screaming out through this vast conspiracy I may have made up, it can only mean the dastardly work of the Kraken although I would never rule out a timely message from the Sun[god]. Whilst avid readers will know this to be true, heathens and deniers just thrash around wildly in confusion.

Kraken Up

One scientific theory put forward by the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science, (GONADS), postulates that this is Karma from Europa - ancestral home of the Kraken by Jupiter! - after NASAs space intifada which I revealed many moons ago when two Robot Martyrs sacrificed themselves in the name of science publicly and virgin hardware privately. Due to reported sightings of praeposterus by SiSFs we cannot rule out that GONADS may have sniffed sniffed out a red herring that had been drinking far too much Nescafe. This has far reaching consequences.

Golden Showers

Let me enlighten you that the Americans only wish to plunder an asteroid for its gold and therefore the greater good. Behold;

Deviant Source

"Our primary business is looking at these asteroids as a resource to benefit humanity, with three major value propositions," he said.

1.  ..."A 75-meter asteroid, if it's rich in volatiles, has enough water on board to fuel all 135 Space Shuttle missions." 
2. ..."A single 500-meter LL chondrite has more platinum on it than has been mined in the history of humanity," he said. "Our goal is to go to asteroids, match their orbit, prospect them with cameras and imaging systems to clearly identify what they're made of, and determine the percentage of platinum and gold palladium." 
3. ..."If you develop asteroid mining capability, you can alter their trajectory and deflect these asteroids almost for free. It's a side benefit." There's gold (and platinum, etc.) in them thar asteroids, NBCNEWS

As long as this gold is used to pay the Kraken I have no real problem and will forgo my usual (and quite reasonable) six percent admin fee for services rendered in recommending france pays the Kraken. If the abominable frenchies refuse to pay up in gold, we will have no choice but to invade the beaches of Normandy again although the diplomatic option of sending a 'stray' meteorite towards the supply lines of paris, must always remain on the table.

So you see I have considered this from many angles and I firmly believe the simplest of reasons.

The Sun[god] sent the people of planet earth a timely reminder to our consciousness to stop chasing shadows and look into the light. Unfortunately we cannot tell you any more at this time as we desperately need further funding and have to join the melee for financial assistance.

Ye Scientists in Battle of the Theories

*I'm not quite sure about this Haarp stuff. Surely we should be using Shamanic Hard Rock and Dubstep to pull these objects onto justin biebers head?
[ii] Really bad things only ever happen on the day formerly known as tuesday.