Shocking Revelations: The Ferengi Scrolls

Does this alien control fiscal policy?
Is he responsible for the Kraken's rage?
Does he rub lobes with the Kraken?

The more I have found out about the misunderstood Kraken, the more I feel compassion for him/her/it. Apart from spending millennia swimming through his own excrement, being fed promissory notes instead of gold, being surrounded by rowdy locals that have a habit of rioting and pillaging from each other since consciousness was subjected to the first rule of acquisition*: 

Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.

This very quickly evolved into diplomatic relations (rule #76): 

Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.

This is all the Kraken wants
Are we so tight we cannot grant him this?

The Ferengi were presumed to be made up, however I can finally reveal the shocking truth. According to some sources, Aliens** walk among us and are directing fiscal policy. That's not true. The Ferengi have lived alongside us for millenia, using a phase inhibitor so they appear as normal people. They would go undetected except their predilection for profit leaves a tell tale pong. They also love Gold. Mankind has always loved gold. This was predicted a long time ago through the medium of Star Trek in Deep Space 9. Even then they knew "a wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience." These were not made up. They were actual quotes from the They warned us about the Ferengi. We just didn't listen. Now it could be too late. Our civilisation will crash around us because of a great fraud! There will be no relief.

The hoarding bastards, the bankers I so trusted want all the gold for themselves! They have no intention of paying the Tithe in gold. This means we have no hope of the Kraken releasing a golden shower on the masses. The poor Kraken, who even now thrashes wildly in confusion as he swims in the Mediterranean, has been taken for a fool. 

Therefore I propose before we shoot the rioters we line up the lying, thieving bankers. I am sure the Kraken would relish their flesh. Hoodies, who the Kraken may eat if behaviour does not improve, were fuelled by Haribo addiction. They took a pre-emptive strike on Santa's evil by getting the presents in early. The bankers have co-opted entire economies so they can get their grubby hands on gold promised to the Kraken. It's like a bad Bond plot, but it has one ingredient of truth that never changes in FutureHistory. It's always about the gold. Behold:

* the first rule of acquisition is in fact #162 (see above) as this created  instant demand for the previous 161. The first rule, if we are to be pedantic is 'Once you have their money ... never give it back' Terms and Conditions can be found here
** this is an 'educational' comedy conspiracy site. Are you really that surprised?