Capital Punishment for the Pervert.
— theGingerZilla (@thegingerzilla) December 7, 2012
I am amazed that Santa has not yet been linked with the Jimmy Seville(*) investigation. Like many other gray haired males famous in the sixties and seventies that had access to children, Santa must be expecting a knock on the door any time soon.
Santa or Satan as he is often known only works one night a year. His age has twisted his desires as well as reports of substance abuse (see below) and has his bad 'elf slaves do everything for him including rumours he has them wash his balls with the skin of freshly culled kittens.
Motive + Opportunity
I am certainly not the first to question the darker side;
watch Santa at a shopping mall, he’s got more minors on him than R. Kelly. When’s the last time you saw a 30 year old sit on Santa’s lap? Santa likes them young, and he likes them alot. The reason Santa wears heavy clothes isn’t because it’s cold where he lives, it’s to cover up his raging hard-on for whenever he’s working the mall. Disgusting.
Santa's mind has had centuries to devote to his evil plans and to remain undetected despite recent advancements in forensics, satellites and drones. He is so powerful and seen as so benign no one would believe the truth.
Santa always wears red and is reported to share. He has been tracked by NORAD since early in the cold war.
Cooking Books + Coke Links
Certain 'unexplained' stock anomalies have been reported at Santa's factories in frozen Northern factories. He is linked every year with copious amounts of coke and is surrounded by 'snow' - slang for Cocaine. Official sources for Santa, who only came forward after files were leaked, said that he visits all children and has a legitimate reason to frequent the houses of thieves, murderers, drug dealers and estate agents. This is too convenient when taken out of isolation and is therefore fair game as part of my character assassination of St. Nick.
There is no way Satan can put away all the booze left out for him without practice or without being blind drunk on the job. Indeed it is the high alcohol content in his veins that has preserved and protected him from the harsh Arctic weather. It's only logical that Santa is fiddling the supplies to feed his raging habit.
Serial Killer Links
As seen above Santa may have borne gifts to most serial killers and his refusal to give gifts to some may have started them on their dark path. Indeed the only time this drunken pervert 'comes' is linked with millions of children. The ritual involved has all the traits of a serial killer.
Rudolf is seen as the poster boy of the Reindeer Alliance but hides a terrible past. Rumours persist that Santa gave him hallucinogenic mushrooms so he could shove his 'stick' up Rudi's nose as part of a brutal training programme when he was just a calf. It is no coincidence that bestiality is legal in Sweden and in Finland where Santa's lair is reported to be. It is not inconceivable that Norway - who only banned animal loving barely five earth cycles ago - could ask for retrospective action and Santa's extradition.
Apart from frequent visits to bankers homes where Santa gives extra 'special' presents to the spoilt bastards which he deprives ordinary middle class children of. Late last year, I discovered a secret banker plot to assassinate Santa so they could steal all the presents and sell them at Cash Converters to fund the next round of bonuses. Whilst Santa may seem innocent in all this it is possible this is an elaborate insurance scam. Santa was not available for comment but the animal fucking, corporate linked child abuser has never answered any of my letters.
* at least that's how they are trying to frame this story. I could well be wrong but salacious headlines are the way to sell. It's in the pubic interest.
(**) I have not directly named this person due to the ongoing nature of investigations and due to potential harm this may cause any future case, although if I'm being honest I might get sued for labelling this Jimmy fellow.