Friday 22 June 2012

Why I Hate Pussy – A Conversation with a Hairy Dog

In the interests of open debate,  it is only fair to ask a dog for his opinion* 
ADVERT BREAKAGE
Three high solstice ago: "the web and tabloid worlds were outraged that someone had the courage to stand up and finally put a cat, that if we are being honest, was asking for it, in a bin"
This view is not the most popular despite fanatical levels of persecution, prosecution and party political prostitution in the viral and real worlds. Despite the offensiveness of the language these hardcore views are shared by millions of vicious and very vocal followers. The following interview was made possible through a Vulcan Mind Meld, Bovril and a chunky calculator. A thoroughbred Mongrel, represents a group who have been accused by some, mostly cats, of being extreme lobbyists. They prefer to describe themselves as a ‘non-profit organisation' with the explicit aim of more 'dog oriented' understanding and research in science. The call for the elimination of cats in their manifesto is they claim, 'based purely upon the science'. Let's face it a Dog won Britain's Got Talent - a cat stand's no chance of becoming best of British no matter how many cute propaganda videos YouTube can spew up from it's vaults
When they doubted him, Dr Dolittle said "of course I can fucking talk to the animals"

The secret society of scientists known as the GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Development in Science or GONADS for short, does not normally give interviews and the following transcript has been modified by their media department so it meets GONADS standards. 

GingerZilla: What are your thoughts about the recent media and internet storm over the woman who dumped the pussycat in the bin.
Mongrel: I take offence to the word 'pussycat' on religious grounds and I take issue with your use of the highly inflammatory word 'dumped’. If you look at the video carefully you can see she placed the cat in the bin. There may have been communist rats involved.

GZ: I believe she admitted to it and apologised.

M: I have evidence that the video was doctored. You must remember that people will admit anything to make it [torture] stop, making any confession unreliable. The media campaigns that beat these primeval drums are orchestrated by cats. Incidentally cats are not musical despite their claims they've got more beats than Rodney King.  They even said Rodney King was being helped up by nice police officers in the video
GZ: Are you saying the video was a fake that this cat in the bin woman was subjected to extraordinary rendition by the police?

M: Possibly. There was a lot of pussy involved. I have reliable sources that have confirmed there are ‘discrepancies’ giving reason to doubt.

GZ: Sources?
Search engines will have a field day on this hot action:
Lesbian Bitches [image source wikipedia]
M: There are about 8 million dogs that we know of in the UK, some of them have sniffed the corridors and arseholes of power. Word gets around - I really don’t want to say anymore in case I compromise my sources and I’ve been edgy ever since Clinton put a cat in the White House.

GZ: Okay so do do you support her actions?

M: The Clinton cat? Are you mad? She's a fucking lunatic.

GZ: No the woman ’accused’ of crimes against cats and refuse bins.

M: That woman is a bloody hero. She deserves a fucking medal for that. Unfortunately this would challenge the established doctrine and principles of your cat loving society. There was a reporting black flag on that I tell you. That's why they underplayed the vicious reprisals.

GZ: Vicious reprisals?

M: Well a cat was clearly seen dumping a human in a wheelie bin.

GZ: I believe that was a spoof. They were wearing suits.

M: That’s what cats wants you to believe. In fact if you didn’t believe that you wouldn’t be asking such stupid questions. It’s not your fault you’re human, you choose the path of least resistance and you’re predisposed to believe. Cats worked out a long time ago how to manipulate human emotions, so it’s hardly your fault. There is a natural cognitive dissonance with humans where they struggle to accept the wider truths – even when it stares them in the face.

GZ: That seems deep, but it makes no sense. How does this relate to the views you have expressed about the wider pussy propaganda issues?

A Mongrel
M: Well you humans can accuse governments of ruthlessness and spin to push their interests but they are liberal pussies compared to cat propagandists. The scale of this conspiracy is unimaginable to the human mind. We’re not talking a government spinning a fictitious war, this has been going on for millennia. It’s not just the Koreans, or South East Asians that eat dogs. That’s the kind of bad press we get. In the East we’re marketed as food, in the West it’s marketed that we eat children.

GZ: Leaving that aside for the moment, how do dogs, toted as man’s best friend, fit into this?

M: Cats wanted to influence mankind so affiliated themselves quite early on with the real decision makers, the female of your species. It was through this that cats hoped to control your males. We befriended males to defend them from cats, but not all women love pussy. They also believe men can be toilet trained so I’m not sure we can blame them for being blinded by pussy.

GZ: Is Lassie, or The Littlest Hobo something that broke through the filters of propaganda?

M: No. You only saw the edited version, the version cats wanted you to. Without those scenes it’s pointless.
German Dog impersonates Greek economy
GZ: What scenes?

M: Where Lassie or Hobo warned the master a cat was to blame, that it was a conspiracy. That was the whole point of the show.

GZ: Even without them, surely both shows were positive.

M: Tokenism. It keeps the dog lovers quiet but doesn’t tell them the truth about Dogs and cats. What you also can’t see is the underlying message that loyalty and altruism, Dog traits, are aberrations.

GZ: But surely from those episodes the dog was the hero?

M: Hobo was never given a bath. Lassie was portrayed as a moron, it took the humans ages to catch on. When you see the uncensored versions it all makes sense. This is never mentioned and instead we suffer the negative stereotype perpetuating the myth that Dogs are always stupid and dirty whereas cats are clever and clean.

GZ: Would you say this also leads to natural aspects of doggie behaviour, being perceived by some as distasteful?
Sex on the Bitch Beach
These Mexican Dogs know how to treat a lady
M: Naturally most humans disgust each other, so I don’t see where this is going…

GZ: In your manifesto it says you prefer to bite pussies not shaft them.

M: There is hard science behind the eradication of the cat plague.

GZ: How come this doesn't come up in the international media or even in conspiracy theory websites?

M: In the 'film' cats and Dogs, you can see it’s all there in black and white (technicolour to be precise). It was classed as a work of fiction but was shot as a documentary. Most of the real revelations were censored. The voices were later dubbed over and the scenes of pussy eating were censored at high levels, but the message was there about cats if you look.

GZ: What do you mean by that?

M: I mean look at this picture by some smart arse cat sympathiser? [he nosed this picture] That’s a pretty extreme reaction to a hero of your kind who made a stand against cat oppression. Where is humanities compassion or the sense of forgiveness that you humans are supposed to have? Do anything to a cat and you bastards are up in arms, more than you are about abuse to children of your own species, yet you try and ban dogs when we happen to taste a child.

GZ: Taste? Children have been mauled by dogs…

M: It’s an honest mistake. Where are the stories of cats savaging children because they were rubbed up the wrong way? You could argue that with Dogs our nature is to be a usurping little shits, but it’s the nature of the pack. But the point is we let you fuss us. We can’t ever possibly get enough fussing. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. Pussies are selfish and self obsessed. You fuss them and they take skin from you. 

GZ: Many people have asked why should we trust a dog’s opinion, you lick your own balls after all?

M: Who else would you trust? We’re loyal but we have urges that only we can sate. Despite man’s large brain and supposed towering intellect, you went down the wrong evolutionary path by not fully exploring the Zen concept of self fellation. 

GZ: You mean contemplation?

M: Same thing. It’s pretty hard to be mad at the world when you’re seeking enlightenment through self pleasure. It puts anger and bitterness into perspective. You live both in the moment and out of time. It is spiritually refreshing.

GZ: Moving on...it’s been said if a Dog could get you to cover their balls in Marmite and lick it, they would in a heartbeat.

M: It’s Bovril actually, we prefer a meaty taste to a yeasty one. Do that and we’ll love you so much no mater where it’s smeared. We all have our weaknesses, however do that to a pussy and it just scratches you if you so much as move the wrong hair. That's pretty extreme and raises deep issues. No one wants to talk about that.

GZ: I’ll take your word for it. Do you believe the media is institutionally biased towards cats?

M: With cats it’s a constant battle on their terms. They demand control and subservience. A cat will let you stroke it only as long as it wants and then it tries to fuck you up. It’s the same with the media. Criticising pussy is taboo, whereas it’s open season on Dogs every summer.

GZ: But surely eating sick, how can you defend that behaviour?

M: If it tasted good first time around it will taste good second time. We have a very refined palate.

GZ: The GingerZilla Organisation for Nurture and Understanding in Science (GONADS) has conducted studies on Catostrogen and Dogosterone.

M: [redacted] they will shit bricks when they find out.

GZ: It’s said humans castrate animals not only to stop them exercising their right to ‘get their hole’ or the threat of population expansion, but because the pure idea, let alone sight of pets getting down with it is upsetting on a moral, visual and spiritual plane.

M: I would agree it’s an aesthetic thing, but just because you don’t like it you don’t have to ban it. On that basis we should ban Wayne Rooney. You castrate because you think it makes us manageable. The logic can also be applied to most men and women, we’d live in a more peaceful but very quickly dying world. But castration doesn't just go one way. Why else do you think cats were instrumental in the invention of the pill? It wasn’t just so men could get more pussy by making them more amenable to felines.

GZ: You’re alluding to the amounts of oestrogen in water supplies?

M: I have my sources which we are not prepared to disclose at this time for fear of cat related reprisals. The conspiracy, if you want to call it that, runs very deep. Dog backwards is goD, which has many meanings, whereas cat is tac, it means nothing.

GZ: Moving on, you hinted earlier that you don’t think it’s possible for cats and dogs to live together?
Protecting Master Against Evil Cats
From Roman sources 
M: Why do you insist in putting cats before Dogs?

GZ: Sorry?

M: You humans always say ‘cats’ then ‘dogs’. You never put Dogs first.

GZ: We say men and women mostly as well.

This cat not only has demonic eyes it speaks a demonic language. 

M: My point exactly.

GZ: Okay, do you think Dogs and cats can live together?

M: Women and men have lived together for millennia and it’s not been pleasant sharing some of that with you. Living together means nothing unless there is harmony. If pussy can be taken out of the equation, women and men can live together in harmony. With Dogs and humans, there is only one solution for us to live in harmony - eradicate the source of our mutual problem. cats.

GZ: That’s pretty extreme.

M: When I was a young idealistic pup I believed in peace between our species, but I became disillusioned when a beefed up tomcat took exception to me saying hello and swiped half my nose off.

GZ: So this is personal?

M: No the experience helped me open my eyes to the painful truth.

GZ: I’m having trouble accepting a lot of what you’re telling me.

M: Have you seen the Matrix?
GZ: Are you saying the cats have created an illusion we need to break from?

M: Ding Dong!

GZ: That’s not very persuasive. Where’s the proof.

M: Have you seen a cat write?

GZ: I'm sure there's probably an internet clip, but it would obviously be a fake.

M: You’re right but for the wrong reasons. The videos are carefully manipulated. The cute things cats do are just distraction techniques, there is almost always a hidden, subliminal message, to cause sympathy in humans when it causes only suffering. Cats posturing is all about messages, even when they are preening themselves, but with Dogs, our memories are hardwired into our brains, an ancestral memory which can be activated, in my case being bit on the nose. We don’t have time for all this subliminal stuff although we have, at times, copied some of the more advances cat techniques but it's never easy working with humans. Meowing was something cats have manipulated in your genealogy, it was one of their more successful training experiments. Their exploitation is scientifically proven

GZ: Drawing you back to an earlier point about perceived disgusting behaviour. Can you defend Dogs humping en mass? I mean Neighbours often complain of Dogs’ barking.
M: They also complain about cats shitting in their flower bed. With dog's barking, most of the time it’s a warning, communicating the danger from cats but like I said we didn’t have it all our own way in the resistance. We used action, they used propaganda. We didn’t see that coming until it was too late. We live by our victories no matter how small they may seem.

GZ: You mentioned humping. What is it with the humping?

M: We’re really happy to see you, sometimes we just get a bit over eager to show you that. When the lead in the pink pencil rises it has to go somewhere. We share this in common with many of your males.

GZ: Moving quickly on, what’s your favourite internet clip of all time?

M: Hale and Pace microwaving a cat. I can’t help playing that over and over again. It’s like Bovril.
GZ: Wrapping up, is there anything further you’d like to add?

M: I’d really appreciate it if you could throw me the ball you promised for doing this interview.

In the Next issue of GONADS
  • More Shocking Pictures 
  • A Dog Tale
  • The Tabloid Report of the Interview
  • A pro dog Blogger comments
*In no way does Mongrel have anything to do with us. The views expressed are clearly that of a Mongrel and we here at GingerZilla HQ would like to distance ourselves completely from these views – we fear animal lovers, especially those tending towards the feline persuasion.

** Mongrel may be a psychopath as defined by the axx scale. I’m not saying he has killed anyone or done anything that could be classed as illegal, he just fits the profile. Many people in varied professions share this tendency especially the higher up you go the greasy pole. 

© GingerZilla 2010/12

No comments: