|Dave with his hounds after a successful mission to the pole|
With Briton's increasingly turning to suicide to evade paying their debts, British Prime Minister David Cameron has called for a radical rethink of Christmas in the Age of Austerity. According to sources, Dave has been increasingly concerned that some may take the easy way out and kill themselves. Increasing suspicion has been thrown upon the evil old Terrorist in the North pole and because as a child he didn't get what he asked for despite several faxes to Santa. This resentment has festered and Dave has asked his servants to 'sex-up' a document so that he can take out the Old Man of the North. This is not the first time that Dave has attacked Santa. Five months ago, John Wiltshire of Newsbiscuit revealed that Dave
launched a blistering attack on Santa Claus as being all that's worst in absentee fathers. 'This is exactly what I mean,' he thundered. 'He calls himself a Father - Father Christmas, I believe. And yet, he only visits his children once a year! He tries to blackmail them with presents, but the hard truth is that presents do not make up for his absence for the rest of the year. 'I have already arranged for him to appear before a judge, and my hope is that he will be locked up for a long time as an example to others.'
Under the catchy title Cameron's Austerity Christmas (or CAC - pronounced cack) Dave plans to rob children because it's only fair everyone is in this together. Whilst this may seem unimaginably cruel, I don't blame Dave. His hatred of Santa has blinded him to the bankers plan to take all the presents to Cash Converters so we can up the Tithe payments to the Kraken. In a shocking new development, my sources have revealed that there is something else at play and they may have discovered why the Kraken is not satisfied despite billions being thrown his way. I am unable to reveal too much at this point but the bankers may not be all they appear to be. I am worried what the Kraken will do when he realises he has been fooled.