Tuesday, 12 June 2012

21st Century Communist Rats

GONADS researchers* have found evidence of a communist plague**
Smiffy has always hated Chelsea Chelski, but he hates rats even more which is saying something. I haven't asked him how he feels about the communist variety as it may remind him of a traumatic childhood event when he came under the influence of this radical children's television presenter and part time rap star
Smiffy still can't talk about it
Unlike normal rats, communist rats spread the disease of ideology and the most seditious of human sins - sharing! They believe in things like free use - just as long as it's approved by a committee of beards - and scurrying in the corridors of power as summer interns. Whereas in the past communism was semi tolerated as being a temporary student affliction, akin to referee blindness caused by profuse masturbation, now scientists have discovered that communist rats carry a parasitic flea that spreads the deadly disease of liberalism - feared through the nations of the world populated by beleaguered brown people being taught the intricacies of democracy. Of course official sources were quick to deny that they were threatening to punish the locals for voting the wrong way
Image: Carlos Latuff
In the same way flies are attracted to shit and bees to honey, this explosion of rodents thrives on the garbage of our consumption. The Marabou storks of capitalism - flying rats on longer legs - were created to devour communist rats but as Mary Shelley warned us we have to stop tampering! This has brought us killer bees, possessed anchovies and Al Gore. Mankind blinded by greed has the opposite of the Midas touch[iii].  Everything we touch turns to shit. Diseases and corruption live in shit and spread unless checked. This is why the great twenty first century philosophers Trey and Parker and their worldly analogy known as Dicks, Pussies and Assholes which is often mistaken for a local law firm.
Unfortunately the rats are allowed to breeding, the storks too preoccupied in the pillaging and plunder of alleged rat infestations. History only repeats. This may explain whilst the Marabou storks are preoccupied with their crusading plunder in the east, it's cold and wet at home that humanity is threatened by an infestation of dirty fucking rats.
Now whilst to some lesser mortals this would stretch their levels of incredulity, this explanation is far more believable than believing in black-hole-made climate change. Just be thankful I didn't write about that, I leave that to trained monkeys instead.
*   We had to put down one of the researchers for communist leanings after looking at this picture too long. Although there was some whining when this decision was made, the meaty taste of Bovril wafting on the breeze changed professional opinion.
** GONADS are not willing to give up their trade secrets and deny rumours that they are able to determine guilt by studying entrails, although they do admit entrails make a rather satisfyingly tasty meaty treat.
[iii] less a six per cent handling fee for all Kraken based transactions.

No comments: