Monday, 16 April 2012

Leaked Email Shocker: Massive Doom to Bring Peace

Sarkozy and Assad raising army of the dead
Certain bells are not ringing but pounding in my head and I am trembling having seen the portents that threaten doom boomWhilst the media are beating the drum to convince us that the only way to save brown people is to bomb them to salvation, dark forces have been plotting a jolly good carve up of the gold, because it's always about gold. The public, heavily sedated in spirit are unaware of a secret deal between the government in waiting and the vast administration eagerly awaiting a new assignment in the Arab world. Bob, who speaks French - the alleged language of diplomacy - was sent this stunning classified document from ‘official sources' who wish to remain anonymous. 
re: Minutes meeting of thee Spiritual Leader and Ambassador 
They did not understand democracy
The Ambassador said [that] the real question is why we are villainizing the leader when there are others ‘more deserving’ of our stocks of depleted uranium and white phosphorus. The great spiritual leader agreed on a nuclear weapons free zone in the Democratic Heathen Lands as long as John is allowed safe haven in Bah[no]rain with his family when his fall is plotted at the hands of the Beast. Our very good friends from the land we are not allowed to say anything bad about in public, got jumpy until it was explained to him that this was only for 'declared' weapons. He remained silent for the rest of the meeting although the Mad Mullah said he kept making bike noises. In return they agreed after much deliberation to let Republican experts inspect any nuclear facilities and purchase the weapons grade by-products at a knock down prices in exchange for their public support. After some haggling over gold prices, the Ambassador let slip that the Sand People were planning to allow burger franchises within Mosques worldwide in exchange for human rights activists being allowed to disappear. Afterwards, the mad mullah and conservative representative were in agreement that they should be dumping it on the Sand peninsular and their multifarious militant strongholds sometime in late 2012.  
The Abominable one sent his apologies and authorised Mick to speak for him.
Operation Revelations; 
  • We now stand at a crossroads where every financial result threatens to make recovery flaccid again. To reject our fragile Economy is to subject it to emotional violence. It will see such wanton behaviour as mocking invoking its verbal retorts - or worse - making it moody! Having recently spent a load to pay for well deserved bonuses, the Economy will soon be feeling resurgent if we play this right. Orders for fresh weapons will gently arousing its interest. 
  • We can also sell whatever old weapons we have left over as the fireworks display, showcased in Carthage, which really impressed the natives (so that’s another set of orders and cash coming in - have we got preferred bidders?) This will be downright pornographic for the Economy and it will be frothing at the prospect of sating itself in yet more human misery.
  • The Economy needs it’s lubricant as we don’t want it to chafe in the early stages of recovery. We should look at getting more oil. 
  • We can take out the source of all the problem by occupying Mecca in a joint operation. The Mullahs have agreed to sabotage an out of warranty Sand Jet whilst we will leak 'concerns' about the the maintenance programme in AK-47 Monthly a few weeks beforehand (is there a link to a story like this yet, there's a few forums I need to plant it in?). There will also be low level stories of officials and princes spunking the money on having Maria Carey perform for and on them whilst playing her music backwards. We can always say they lied to us and accuse them of money laundering - thereby breaking the terms of the credit agreement - voiding their international credit rating. The locals will be up in arms, literally if we can fulfil enough orders, and we'll just have to go in to keep the peace otherwise the terrorists take over and get the orders in first.
  • The public have already been primed about the sandies. It's a hub of world terror.  Let’s be honest we don’t really need to hard sell this one.
  • Last seasons weapons should have long lasting effects ensuring peace by reducing their economies to metaphorical and literal rubble as well as crippling swathes of the locals so they can' no longer beat each other up. This will help them learn how Jealous our Economy is. The spokesman for the Abominable one said 'we need to ensure that the only beast that arises in their lands for the next few generations is one of burden.' A member speaking for our pharmaceutical friends - who co-sponsored the meeting and gave us some lovely goodie bags - said there is hoped that one of the more beneficial side effects of the genetic mutations program is a cure for optimism and help future understanding of genocide. After all life is a mutation so who knows where this research could lead? Although Tet was a bit disappointing after showing early signs of promise, there is hope our experiments there and in Babylon will begin to bear serious fruit within a generation or so. 
  • We should allow elections by ratifying an approved leader agreeable to the Mullahs.  Brown people, he said, have primitive minds and cannot appreciate democracy means the ability to choose leaders with the correct certification by the markets. This blaspheme of choosing democratically elected extremists cannot be tolerated by people who hold our values. Offering a conciliatory tone, he said there were indications the abominable one was happy to allow them to rig the democracy trials, with a 30 day moneyback guarantee.
  • As the delegation left the room the Ambassador confided in me that he 'hearkened back to the halcyon days of diplomacy when brown people knew their role in the global chess game and lined up to let our pearls splash upon their heathen ears and mouths. Now we have to bomb their houses compounds to make them listen.' 
 With the total shock of this expose, I turned to the words of our dear prime minister for comfort
Remember the rights of the savage, as we call him. Remember that the happiness of his humble home, remember that the sanctity of life in the hill villages of Afghanistan, among the winter snows, is as inviolable in the eye of Almighty God as can be your own.

Those hill tribes had committed no real offence against us. We, in the pursuit of our political objects, chose to establish military positions in their country. If they resisted, would not you have done the same? … The meaning of the burning of the village is, that the women and the children were driven forth to perish in the snows of winter … Is that not a fact ?” for such, I fear, it must be reckoned to be ?” which does appeal to your hearts as women … which does rouse in you a sentiment of horror and grief, to think that the name of England, under no political necessity, but for a war as frivolous as ever was waged in the history of man, should be associated with consequences such as these?
William Gladstone 

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